The long arm of the law is out to get Justin Bieber, just because he spit on a neighbor and threatened to kill him. To review the facts, Justin was apparently going too fast in his Ferrari and an enraged neighbor came onto Justin’s property to yell at him. This caused Justin to spit on him and threaten the guy’s life. Now the L.A. District Attorney is deciding whether to prosecute Justin and the sheriff’s all about it.
Have you ever been like, super mad at someone? Like so mad you don’t know what to do but you have to do something? Spitting on them is such a good option!
It doesn’t hurt them, and it can actually be a nice thing to do. If it’s a warm day and your spit is cool, it’s actually helpful. Or if it’s a cold day and your spit is warm it’s also helpful. Or, if they’re thirsty and don’t have a water bottle because they’re trying to cut down on using plastic bottles and you spit on them, TA-DA! There’s your water for you, so stop complaining. Or if they had something on their shirt they needed to get out, and you spit on it, then it’s really helpful too.
Did anyone stop to think how helpful it would be to be spit on by Justin Bieber before starting this crusade?! It seems like they didn’t!
Besides, Man Who Had The Pleasure Of Being Spit On, you got spit on by Justin Spittin’ Bieber. Do you KNOW how many teen girls would pay you millions (or all of their babysitting money) for some of that spit? It’s not our fault that you didn’t monetize that well. It’s basically like a bird just shit gold on you and you’re complaining because it messed up your shirt. Stop and smell the gold, man!
Finally, a lawsuit is sort of not what Justin needs in his life right now. He just got attack-hugged by a stranger on stage. So he’s certainly been repaid by the karma gods for putting a little spit where it maybe didn’t belong.
Also, he and Selena Gomez are trying to figure out what is going on with them. We are talking about Justin and the girl tattooed on his arm here, people! How are they supposed to figure that out if Justin is holed up in court?
I mean, sure, shopping for the perfect court appearance suit is a fun date, but you can’t base a relationship off of it. After a while, you need time together doing regular couple things, like watching a movie or going shopping for a suit that isn’t for court. Ask any Bachelor or Bachelorette. Too many relationships have been built on the false belief that life is all bespoke suiting for your plea bargain. But it’s not.
I know I conveniently ignored the death threat part of the equation. That wasn’t cool. You shouldn’t do that Justin.
That concludes the pity party for Justin Bieber. Time to take down the decorations and the pinata. Also does anyone want to take home some cake? Please don’t leave it here with me, I’ll just eat it all.