It’s Cinco de Thirdo today, you guys! Aka the last workday before Cinco de Mayo, the traditional American holiday of drinking Coronas and annoying the waitstaff of your favorite neighborhood Mexican restaurant! So with only two more days until that fateful morning (and only three more until that fateful hangover), it’s time to start planning your drankin’ schedule, and that can be a hard thing to finagle. And we get it, y’know? When you start drinking, your decision-making skills are the first things to go. Especially when you start drinking in the wee hours, having a shot of tequila with your breakfast burrito, things can unravel quickly, and it’s hard to know when to throw in the towel and call it a day. But we at Crushable have your back, because through careful observation of celebrities, we’ve become experts at when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em…and when to step into the bathroom for a patented ‘boot and rally’. Obviously we can’t accompany each and every one of you into the world and monitor your drinking levels, so we’ve created a handy-dandy cheat sheet to help you gauge it yourself and DO THE RIGHT THING. We call it…The Official Cinco De Mayo Celebrity Drunk-O-Meter 2013. It starts at stone-cold sober and inches its way up to animated winebag, so use it wisely, my children.
1. GWYNETH PALTROW. You maybe smelled alcohol earlier this week, or used an unexpectedly harsh astringent on your face this morning. You are fine to keep going.
2. REESE WITHERSPOON. You’re pretty tipsy, but you’re never like this, so cut loose. Try to avoid cops, turn on the Southern charm, and double up on the apologies the next day, and you should pass through this with your reputation intact.
3. SELENA GOMEZ. You’re like…giggly drunk. But you look so much better than me doing it that who am I to put a damper on your festivities? You’re still making sentences and being charming, so go crazy ya underage little devil.
4. JENNIFER LAWRENCE. Girrrrrl you are at a good place and I want to be there too. You’re at that glorious level of drunkenness where you don’t care what people think about you, and your not caring only makes them love you more. You’re at that place where everyone in the room wants to be your BFF to get in on the long, meaningful conversations you’re having, with lots of full-throated laughter and thoughtful arm-touching. If you can just maintain this golden level, you’ll be invited to every party from now until eternity.
5. KE$HA. You’ve reached the peak of your party potential. You can either pump the brakes and move back into J-Law land, or you can plow full-steam ahead into the mess zone. For right now, though, you’re the life of the party. You’re the girl dancing on the table tonight who we know will be passed out on the couch in the morning and ready to keep the party going again as soon as she pounds a Red Bull and a cheeseburger. But if you’re at this level now, proceed at your own risk.
6. JAMES FRANCO. You’re that guy. You’re totally that guy right now. Have some water. You’re slurring your words trying to host the Oscars, barely keeping your eyes open trying to having those same meaningful conversations that were coming so easily back when you were Jennifer Lawrence.You’ll think at the time that you’re making great impressions, and then in the morning grit your teeth in embarrassment remembering all the people you wouldn’t let sidle away because you were telling them your new idea for a side project filming yourself watching Milk while grading final projects for your NYU students. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. (No it didn’t.)
7. JUSTIN BIEBER. Oh girl you are getting erratic. It’s probably time to go home. You’re roaming the streets shirtless, attack-leaping out of your van at various paparazzi, and I’m prettttty sure you left your monkey in Germany. Go home, you’re drunk.
8. ALEC BALDWIN. Oookay it’s getting violent now. You should’ve been home a long time ago, and now you’ll be lucky to get out of here without an assault charge. No no no no please don’t use your phone right no! Ay! No! You can’t call your daughter that, I don’t care how much slop you’ve seen her eat out of a trough. You’ve had more than enough, buddy, let’s get you a cab. DON’T YOU PUNCH ME TOO, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN NOW ASSHOLE.
9. LINDSAY LOHAN. I don’t know how many times we have to have this conversation, but you shouldn’t even be out tonight. You’re way too drunk, you have to stop punching gypsies. That guy from The Wanted is totally not worth it, and aren’t you supposed to be in rehab right now? PULL IT TOGETHER WOMAN.
10. SNOOKI. Honestly at this point, don’t even try to go home. It’s probably a better idea if you just sleep in the street. All your friends went home without you anyway because they forgot about you, and even the cops think it’s too much trouble to arrest you, so why don’t you just wait this one out and I’ll see you on Mayo de Seis or whatever. Yes we can drink and no, I don’t wanna smush. You don’t even know which direction the ocean is, and you’re on the beach.
(Image: Mario&Luigi / WENN.com)