As much as I l-o-v-e my job as a professional celebrity blog editor, I’m constantly forced to defend the fact that it’s a real job. And yes, it is a real job. It comes with an office and a cubicle and a coffee machine and a dress code that clearly states I can’t wear sweats or pajama jeans or even business-casual skorts. It’s all business all the time here at Crushable Headquarters. Yet so many people feel the need to constantly comment on this very site and tell me to get a real job. As if there’s something about working at a place where the word twerking is a vital part of my work vocabulary that leads people to believe that I don’t have health insurance.
Which confuses me — not only because it implies that I’m spending the majority of my day writing for free — but also that I would choose this to be my pro-bono line of celebrity work. Let me tell you something, there are a whole lotta better jobs out there that involve celebrities that are much more rewarding than celebrity blogging. At least 8 of them. So if at some point I do decide to give up on this whole “getting paid” thing and go into pro-bono celebrity work, there are the careers I would choose before celebrity blogging.
1. Celebrity Publicist
Unlike celebrity bloggers who get a nicely-worded statement in their inboxes explaining why a celebrity made some poor choices recently, the celebrity publicist knows the real story behind the statement. They’re not sitting in front of their computer attempting to read between the lines or trying to decipher the phrase “momentary indiscretion” or consulting a doctor about what “extreme exhaustion” really means after someone got spotted spending two full weekends at Coachella.
2. Celebrity Trainer
You know how us normals are stuck with the amazing “after” photos of celebrities on the cover of People just three days after they give birth to triplets. Well personal trainers get to see all the magic happen in real time — which means that they know it’s not so much magic, but massive amounts of work and sweat and time and money and perfectly-portioned meals. So unlike the rest of us who are forced to go on 9-week-juice cleanses to get our bodies bikini ready in time for the summer, celebrity trainers know that it’s impossible for muggles to pull that off.
3. Celebrity Chef
Talk about a job with perks! Celebrity chefs get to make the most awesome meals with the most awesome ingredients without having to worry about how much gluten-free saffron threads cost. And since celebrities don’t exactly eat, there’s probably always soooo many leftovers. Who needs to be paid in cash when you can be paid in organic vegetables picked fresh from a garden tended to by real life oompa loompas in the majestic (and exclusive) farms of Santa Barbara.
4. Celebrity Make-Up Artist
Like the celebrity trainer, the celebrity make-up artists knows that these gals aren’t waking up gorgeous. They’re just waking up in a house where it’s not unusual to get ready fro the day with the help of a professional make-up artist. Forget about all those make-up-free-minus-a-little-bit-of-make-up photos that go viral on the interweb every few months, these people know what real celebrity skin looks like. So they probably don’t sweat the occasional break-out or patch of splotchy skin as much as we do.
5. Celebrity Source/Insider/Close-Friend
Um, talk about the person who knows all of Hollywood’s secrets. The source/insider/close-friend not only has access to every single human in Hollywood, but she’s also probably drowning in all the cash she gets for spilling those secrets. Sorry, did I say spilling those secrets. I meant showing concern for the celebrity-in-question by going public with some extremely confidential information. Yep, that’s right! On top of everything else, the S/I/C-F is a great human being just bursting with compassion for their celebrity.
6. Celebrity Assistant
Not only do you know absolutely everything about a celebrity, but you’re also treated horribly enough that you’re one day going to get a book deal talking about your experience. Annnnndd, if your celebrity boss is extra emotionally abusive, you’re looking at a Hollywood trilogy starring an A-list star of your choosing. Congrats! You made it! You’ll be on the Urban Outfitters tables in no time.
7. Celebrity Nanny
You have all the perks of being a celebrity assistant with only half of the abuse. Because while you’re privvy to all the going-ons in the house, you’re not responsible for putting out fires. Whether they’re metaphorical fires or literal fires that your celebrity set because she’s a closet pyromaniac and Disney made the celebrity handlers promise that little tidbit about her would never get out.
8. Celebrity Stalker
Up until the point where you get arrested and incarcerated this job’s the absolute best. You go everywhere and do everything that a celebrity does, without any of that responsibility stuff that all these other jobs entail. Sure restraining orders are the absolute pits, but the great thing about Hollywood is that there are so many more celebrities to stalk than there are judges to restrain you!