God help whichever poor, unsuspecting girl this new song by The Wanted is about, because it has like the least complimentary boy band lyrics I’ve heard in a long time. The song is called ‘Walks Like Rihanna‘, and it’s produced by Dr. Luke. The first letdown is that it isn’t a
shot-for-shot note-for-note remake of the song ‘Moves Like Jagger’, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A GREAT SONG, GUYS, SO SHUT UP. That’s disappointing enough, and then the second letdown is that this song is so ridiculously an off-brand attempt and failure to emulate One Direction. Say what you will about those guys — and The Wanted certainly has, in their multiple Twitter wars — but they know how to write a catchy pop tune to some fictitious and extremely desirable girl. You totally want to be the girl that Harry Styles has a crush on, even though sometimes it’s accidentally Taylor Swift; she’s some bubbly girl at summer camp and you guys can sneak off after campfire and make out in the woods or something.
Buuuut I totally don’t want to be the girl that The Wanted
has a crush on. She’s some bumbling oaf who “cant sing, can’t dance, but who cares — she walks like Rihanna”. Wait, what? So she has no discernible skills except to walk like a famous person? And does she even have a memorable walk? I don’t remember being particularly struck by it. But the point is, much like I can’t remember any details about them — except for Max George
, who I know only because he was the reason Lindsay Lohan punched that psychic
in the face — The Wanted
has chosen as the subject of their own song someone so un-memorable that the only qualities of hers that they’re able to list are skills she doesn’t have. Can’t sing, can’t dance. Can walk okay. Let’s date, I’ll sing you a song from your lawn to lure you out onto your balcony where you will awkwardly sway and proudly squawk along with our song. “She’ll be the girl of your dreams if you close your eyes.” So why don’t you close your eyes, buddy, so my oafish lady-face doesn’t gangle around haunting your dreams tonight. If you keep them shut tightly enough, you can imagine somebody else, maybe even someone who knows how to sing and dance AND walk. Pure romance.
(Image: Joel Ginsburg / WENN.com)