Lifetime characters continued to make terrible decisions in this week’s A Sister’s Revenge. Not to be confused with A Mother’s Rage. Or A Nanny’s Revenge, which, it turns out, also starred this week’s leading man. Lifetime movies are becoming almost as exclusive as a Joss Whedon project.
As you would never have guessed from the title, the movie’s about a sister’s revenge. The sister is a pair of chiseled cheekbones named Suzanne (Brooke Burns) who wants to ruin the life of a guy named Michael (Tim Rozon), who owns a restaurant cleverly named Michael’s Bar and Grill. Michael has a newborn son at home and a loving wife named Katherine (Ashley Jones) who desperately wants to lose her nonexistent baby weight and is constantly offering to throw her rich dad’s money at him. So naturally Michael’s having a tough time.
Before we move on, we have to talk about Tim Rozon. This guy has the map of Hollywood on his face. He looks like so many people at once. At times I thought Taylor Kitsch, other times Eddie Cibrian. Then he’d do something creepy and I’d get a Michael Shannon vibe. In the out-of-focus background he looked a little like Ray Liotta, and when he squinted he looked like a brunette Leonardo DiCaprio. Someone explain this man’s face to me immediately.
Suzanne worms her way into Michael’s life by running his restaurant’s hostess into a ditch so she breaks her leg and can’t come into work. This leads Michael to look for a new hostess, and what do you know, in walks Suzanne without a resume or anything to show for herself besides her hotness. So obviously Michael hires her on the spot. Because resumes and background checks are like so last year.
Suzanne saw Dirty Teacher, so she knows that the best way to seduce a man is to fake car trouble. It works like a charm on Michael, who offers a cliché his jacket to keep her warm and drives her home. And so it begins. Suzanne and the other employees later coax Michael to the saddest strip club ever to get drunk. He’s all like, “I know I’m the boss and have no reason to feel peer pressure from my employees, but I think I’ll forget I have a baby at home and do this anyway.” Once he’s good and drunk, Suzanne lures him away to be alone with her and drugs his drink so she can have sex with him and record it. He wakes up handcuffed to the bed watching Suzanne abandon him. And the next thing we know he’s walking into some kind of lock shop to get the handcuffs off his wrist. Umm, how did he get off the bed? Did he gnaw at the wood of the headboard like a beaver? That’s just lazy storytelling, if you ask me.
It wouldn’t be a Lifetime movie without some good old-fashioned blackmail. This time Suzanne demands Michael give her $75,000 in exchange for not revealing their sex tape. At this point she still hasn’t revealed to Michael who she really is or why she’s ruining his life, so all of this seems pretty pointless, no? Ah, what do I know? It’s not like my life inspired a movie called A Blogger’s Revenge.
This is just the beginning of Suzanne’s plan. In addition to setting fire to the restaurant and getting thousands of bucks in cash, she becomes Katherine’s personal trainer and plants roaches in customers’ salads. Yum.
Finally Michael gets a private investigator to look into Suzanne’s past. Since she told him a fake last name I don’t know how that worked, but let’s agree to suspend our disbelief, I guess. Turns out Michael used to date Suzanne’s sister in a flashback to a time when he wore low-cut sweaters and combed his hair forward. She was pregnant but he was a total douche to her and they broke up after she got an abortion. Suzanne reveals that her sister committed suicide in a scene with so much cry-face and so few actual tears that I died laughing and just barely came back to life enough to finish the movie.
Luckily, I did finish the movie, and it doesn’t get any more logical. Michael says confidently, “What else can she do?” which is the single worst thing you can say in a Lifetime movie. What else can she do? Oh, I don’t know, she can put antifreeze in the delicious ice tea you have chilling in your fridge. The same ice tea your wife will immediately drink when she gets home later. And then you can get arrested for attempted murder and your son can get kidnapped. Just the usual stuff.
That’s right. Suzanne leaves a bouquet of roses on the porch as sad wife bait and Katherine totally falls for it, making it really easy for Suzanne to knock her out, tie her up and steal her baby. After getting Michael to record a confession for the antifreeze incident, she changes her mind and decides she wants to kill him and make it look like a suicide. She takes the typical villain amount of time setting up this crime, enough for Michael to awkwardly wrestle her for the gun and fatally shoot her in the chest.
It’s a good thing Suzanne’s BFF Jimmy (Joe Marques) was there to witness it all and tell the police the truth, even though we barely saw him throughout the whole movie. But how else are you supposed to fit the rising action, climax and resolution into the last two minutes?
Give me more of this, please, Lifetime.