Last night’s episode of Bravo’s The Rachel Zoe Project (Season 5, Episode 8) was the season finale, and the theme of the hour seemed to be change. Namely, how much Rachel’s attitude has changed over the years. I don’t know about you, but from where I was sitting, the only change I noticed was how many times Rachel changed her outfit for the cover of her book. Otherwise, I don’t know.
We started the episode like it seems we’ve started every episode this season, with Rachel and Rodger sitting in bed in the morning admiring each other’s luscious locks and arguing about having another baby. Rodger basically admits that he wants another baby so Skyler won’t be so spoiled, and also because Rachel was “so nice” when she was pregnant. Later he decides that the best decision “is not to make a decision.” Nope, still doesn’t sound right.
But the real baby Rachel was making this episode was her new lifestyle book. It’s time to do the photo shoot for the book cover, which means outfit change after outfit change. Luckily Marisa is some kind of fashion genius who can remember every outfit Rachel has ever worn so there’s no overlap. They should sell tickets to watch her say, “Yep, she wore that in Paris last month,” or “She wore that on January 7, 2008 from 2 PM to 9 PM.” It was pretty amazing.
Rachel starts out the shoot in what is basically a gold muumuu that she has to hold closed in the back like a hospital gown. It’s not the best choice, so she runs off to change into the dress Santa William gave her last week. You know, the dress that caused her to only be able to speak in incoherent gibberish for a few minutes? That one is too structured for her, so she changes into my favorite outfit, a metallic fringed number that looks just like her famous bangs. She pairs it with a gorgeous ropey necklace and looks maj. Buuut that’s not good either. Rachel is hesitant about wearing a hot pink dress because the color pink confuses her and also because her house is a house where you wear gold, white, and similar colors. I’ll remember that if I’m ever tempted to wear my neon green overalls to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. Because she’s so obviously going to invite me this year. Fingers crossed.
Rachel tries the dress, after avoiding clashing red nails by repainting them nude, but it’s just not working either. So she finally puts on a gold lamé gown that makes her feel like herself. Because she wore a gold lamé jumpsuit to her bat mitzvah, and she met Rodger in gold lamé. Rachel likes the dress so much she declares she’s wearing it to bed that night, because of course she is.
But the photo shoot’s not over until the 20-month old wears a six-piece Gucci tuxedo. I’m trying to figure out what all those six pieces are. I can only imagine one piece is a bedazzled pacifier.
As adorable as Skyler looks in his fancy clothes, Rodger is determined to get him into some normal clothes… so he goes to a kids’ boutique. You know, guys, there’s this awesome store called Baby Gap. You should check it out. But anyway, Rodger makes it clear to the store clerk that he’s shopping for his son, because I’m sure she thought he wanted to wear that teeny tiny Grateful Dead T-shirt himself. Unfortunately Rachel does not understand why Rodger would do this. I believe her exact words are: “I don’t understand.” Rachel explains that in every photo they take of Skyler, “he should have a look.” I think I have a solution. Put Skyler in the fancy designer suits and then throw a trucker cap on him. That’s a look, and it’s called Ashton Kutcher chic. Problem solved.
We finish up the episode with a lookbook shoot during which Rachel turns into a “psycho speed stylist” named “Accessory Sue.” But it all risks being ruined, and not by fog this time, but by the fact that Rachel’s styling hat “fell off for a second” and she couldn’t figure out how to style a look. Needless to say,
Marijuana Bandana Moondoggie Mandana is not amused. But they pull it together at the last minute, praise God Karl Lagerfeld.
Throughout all these stressful, nitpicky moments, Rachel talks about how much she’s changed over the years. Namely, how much less she stresses out about things. She says she doesn’t overthink things, and she’s sane now. My most favorite moment is when she admits, “When I stop worrying, I’m retired” and then adds, “But I’m very zen.” If you ask me, not much seems to have changed about Rachel’s perfectionist personality, but that’s what makes her who she is. I guess the difference is that she now has an adorable child to focus her attention on, and she’s surrounded herself with less dramatic people than earlier in the series. But she still has to wear her stress-relief hat every once in a while.
Please don’t get cancelled, Rachel Zoe. You bring me so much entertainment.