People magazine has announced its choice for World’s Most Beautiful Woman 2013, and I am giddy to discover who it is, because in recent months I have decided she should receive all the magazine honors that are available to receive just so we can read a magazine with her quotes in it. That’s right, the honor goes to Gwyneth Paltrow, aka Jay-Z’s best friend, aka bagels’ worst enemy, aka the leading consumer of duck eggs, aka Star magazine’s Most Hated Celebrity. Because people really hate beautiful people.
I find this to be such an interesting choice. Not because Gwyneth isn’t beautiful. She’s a ray of heavenly carbless light. But if we’re using the same criteria as People‘s Sexiest Man Alive, shouldn’t it be someone who has been embraced by the world over the past year? Just like everyone embraced Channing Tatum’s decision to take his clothes off for our enjoyment. People haven’t exactly embraced Gwyneth over the past year, unless that embrace was executed in an effort to physically carry her away from mainstream society. But I also don’t totally understand how you can pick the world’s most beautiful woman only out of Hollywood. What if there’s some woman working in a diner somewhere (one that serves tomatoes!) who is the most beautiful woman in the world? Work harder, People people. I want you to scour the earth and really find the world’s most beautiful woman.
But you know what, I’m not going to complain. Because a Gwyneth Paltrow magazine cover means Gwyneth Paltrow quotes. Unfortunately she did not agree to a photo shoot as the Most Hated Celebrity. I can’t imagine why. But she posed for this cover, and inside she gives us the most delightful tidbits about how normal and boring she is.
“Around the house, I’m in jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t really wear makeup.”
That’s right. Gwyneth smokes her weekly cigarette in the guise of a normal person. But how does her husband Chris Martin feel about all this?
“He’ll make a joke about it. If I’ve gotten fully dressed up, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, wow! You’re Gwyneth Paltrow!’ Because he’s used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair.”
And then Gwyneth responds, “Oh, wow! You’re Chris Martin. You’re eating a croissant. Throw that away right now.”
Congrats, Gwynnie! If you’ll excuse me, I have to go out back and tell my very well-paid honey bees the good news. But then they have to get back to work, because those $25 jars of honey won’t make themselves.