Another day, another director submitting an unsolicited sex scene starring a famous actor in order to convince the Fifty Shades of Grey producers to pick him to direct the film. Gus Van Sant apparently cast stripping protege Alex Pettyfer as Christian Grey in a scene fromFifty Shades of Grey to prove to the people with the hiring powers that he’s the right man for the position. After all, it’s not every director who’s brave enough to direct a two-hour long sex tape. I mean romantic movie. No, I take that back, I do mean sex tape. A beautifully filmed sex tape full of every shade of grey imaginable, but nevertheless a sex tape.
Despite the fact The Wrap says “insiders stressed that Pettyfer was cast as Grey just for the tape, not the movie,” people are already jumping the gun and saying that this means he’s officially Christian Grey. It only took Hollywood Life about four minutes to come up with this ridiculous title: Alex Pettyfer: Will He Play Christian Grey In ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey?’ As if they don’t know that the answer to that question is no. Because this wasn’t an audition tape for Alex Pettyfer, it was an audition tape for Gus Van Sant. And if Hollywood Life already jumped on the boat of question-headlines-for-clicks-even-though-we-know-the-answer, it won’t be long before the whole internet’s ablaze with this casting news.
So before you start freaking out at the prospect of Alex Pettyfer playing Christian Grey, know that he’s probably not. In fact, we’re getting to the point where this movie’s probably not even getting made. I’m not sure why the people behind it though it would be a good idea to wait until people are completely over the trend to start making it, but they did. And now I’m not sure that people will even care when it comes out in 2018. I know I’ve already moved onto to the next hot sex book. It’s called Kama Sutra and it’s a story told almost entirely in diagrams. Obviously Hollywood already bought the rights and it will be out in 3D this Thanksgiving. Every actress with an ‘A’ or a silent ‘K’ in her name is rumored to be cast as the lead. Naturally Dave Coulier will reprise his role as Joey Gladstone and play the male lead.