No one ever accused Ryan Lochte of being smart. Not one person. I would guess that there’s no record of any teacher even alluding to him being above average if he just focused a little more on his school work. And even though I knew that going into the series premiere of What Would Ryan Lochte Do last night, I still wasn’t prepared for what I witnessed go down.
He’s an idiot. A real live sex idiot. Yes, he’s incredibly good looking. Yes, he has an amazing body. And yes, he’s an medal-winning Olympian who deserves all the acclaim he’s received for his swimming skills. But at the end of the day, he’s very stupid.
And tell you what, I don’t think that’s his fault. I think he’s a prime example of what happens when you’re born into a very good-looking body. Everyone’s so grateful that you’re in their presence that they don’t even ask you to do anything else. Like learn to speak in full sentences or use words that you can define or talk in anything but a string of catchphrases that seem designed to sell gimmicky hats to high schoolers. Throw in some athletic skill and a sport that involves you wearing close to nothing on top of good looks and you’re looking at a full-blown disaster. Or to be more exact, you’re looking at Ryan Lochte.
From the very first few minutes of the show, it’s clear that Ryan Lochte won’t be changing our perception of him as a sex idiot. He kicks it off with talking about the Lochte Edge, something that must be incorporated into everything he does. Someone asks the very basic question, “what is the Lochte Edge?” and he responds with, “you know, I’ve never been asked that question and I honestly have no idea.”
WHAT!? You’re touting the Lochte Edge as your big marketing hook and you have no idea what it means. You never even though about what it means? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? And how did you graduate from college? Did you agree to forgo the graduation robes and just walk across the stage naked? Is that how it worked?
Despite the fact that he has no idea what the Lochte Edge means, he continues to spend the rest of the show using variations of his name to explain what’s happenings around him. For example he calls his group of friends, the Lochterage. Whether or not he knows this is a play on the word entourage is completely unclear. It could very well be someone said to him jokingly one day that he clung onto to because he liked the way it sounded.
But once again, this isn’t his fault. His own brother Devin Lochte says to the camera during a football game, “Ryan doesn’t know anything about flag football, but everything is Lochte Nation.” As in, no one ever corrects Ryan when he’s wrong because he’s the best thing we’ve all got going for us. It’s actually the Jon Hamm episode of 30 Rock come to life — it’s unbelievable. At one point he goes bowling with his family during the episode, talks about how he’s the best, hits 3 pins and gives himself a verbal high five. THREE PINS, OUT OF TEN. He truly seems to have no concept of being bad at something. Which, I admit, must be nice.
Here’s another fun fact about life in Lochte Nation: no one will tell Ryan what the word douchebag means. He tells the camera something along the lines of “a lot of people are calling me a douchebag, what is a douchebag? What is the definition of it? I really don’t know what it means, do you?” If I hadn’t just witnessed several minutes of this show, I would assume he’s being facetious, but I’m honestly not sure. I think it’s very possible he doesn’t know the word douchebag. He doesn’t even know what the phrase “jeah” means and he invented it. And he also corrects his mother’s delivery of it. But yet, he couldn’t tell you what he’s trying to express when he says it.
Hmm, what else should you know about Lochte Nation? Ryan frequently takes his dates to the same sushi restaurant in Gainsville, prompting his sisters to be like, “umm Ryan, girls talk about this stuff.” To which he responds with, “it might be the same restaurant and the same table, but it’s a different girl.” WHICH IS THE POINT THEY’RE MAKING! THE VERY POINT! Oh, also in Lochte Nation news, he doesn’t remember what he won at the Olympics and his favorite movie is What Women Want. Those are the most important facts you should take away from the episode.
By the time the show ends, I’m stuck in some kind of tailspin trying to figure out why E! even made the show. Is it to make fun of Ryan Lochte? If so, job well done E!, you made him look awful. Is it to pitch us a spin-off dating show where Ryan Lochte plays the Bachelor? E!’s editing doesn’t seem to reflect that, but Ryan seems under the impression that’s where this is all leading. It’s a jumble of different scenes in Ryan’s life that barely flows together to make a coherent plot. It’s like they actually made a show for GIFs — just clips and quotes and moments that have you saying WTF.
The whole thing just really made me wonder what would Ryan Lochte do if he wasn’t good looking? No really, what would he do?