Today is Kate Hudson’s 34th birthday. But you probably already knew that. Next to Thanksgiving and Arbor Day, it’s America’s most favorite holiday. After all, Kate Hudson’s responsible for about 63% of the movies you watch over and over and over on TV even though you know how the movie ends. And how it starts. And where they usually cut it off for commercial breaks.
So we thought we’d be celebrate today by going through her most memorable films and what they say about your last boyfriend. Because believe it or not, they say a lot. In fact, some doctors say it says everything. Other doctors say that makes no sense and this isn’t even a medical issue. But that’s neither here nor there right now. Just focus on what you’re about to learn about yourself.
You started dating him because your best friend just started dating someone. And you got pretty sick and tired of hearing about her perfect boyfriend all the time. So you got one of your own. Unfortunately starting to seriously date the first guy you met on OkCupid didn’t end up working out. So you broke up with him and slept with your best friend’s boyfriend – causing them to break-up. Sure you’re not on speaking terms with your best friend right now, but when you are again, you’ll both be single and ready to mingle.
You, Me and Dupree
He loves his friends. And boy’s nights. And man caves. And most everything that you’d see highlighted in an Axe commercial Even though he looked precious wearing that backward hat and that wrinkled flannel shirt the first six times you dated him, it quickly became clear that he wasn’t quite ready to date anyone seriously. Or stop giggling when someone said the word balls.
How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days
Even though the two of you hit it off right away and spent every waking moment together, he soon started to get really busy. With work, with family stuff, with returning old Blockbuster tapes he just found, with volunteer pet deworming. A whole odd variety of things. Then he lost his phone and his email address password and then you never heard from him again. Weird.
From the moment you met him, you were like he’s a really good guy. Like the nicest, sweetest, loveliest guy in the whole world. While that charmed you at first, it quickly got old. Didn’t he have any flaws? Didn’t he ever make a mess? How was his bed made moments after he got out of it? And most importantly, why did he iron his socks? What first turned you on, quickly turned you into that horrible woman who picked on someone for doing nothing wrong. He still wishes you a happy birthday every day on Facebook.
You met him outside your apartment on one drunken summer night. He was gorgeous, you were horny and before you knew it he was living in your apartment and eating all your food. Turns out that despite being irresistibly good looking, he was also resitably opposed to getting a job and paying rent and really doing anything that most adults do. So you had sex with him one last time before changing your locks and kicking him out.
Everything was going really well, until you found out that he’s a ghost. And not the nice kind of ghost. What would you parents say? And your human being friends? Classic case of a fish and bird falling love, but one being able to walk through walls.
You bonded after seeing him buy brie cheese in the supermarket. He told you he lived in France for a year after college. You told him that you once watched the French Muzzy tapes 6 times in a row during elementary school. He told you that you would look good in a beret. You told him he’d look good eating a crossaint. You got into separate lines at checkout and never saw each other agian.
He’s a very tiny dancer. Can fit right in the palm of your hand. Sure it was exciting at first, but it was never going to last forever. Plus you couldn’t take him talking about his band for one more second. Their music sucked, their drummer was gross and they were never going to make it.