The newest episode of The Real World: Portland aired last night, and the kiddos have a brand new roomate, Nia, who I, frankly, find completely terrifying. She seems like a a total sociopath, but more on that later.
We start the episode waiting for her to show up, after only seeing a few clips of her last week. Marlon wants her to ‘be hot, have big boobs, and like black guys,’ while Averey holds her standard a little lower with, ‘Don’t fuck Johnny, don’t be mean to my dog, and we’ll be okay.’ When she gets there, everyone is surprisingly not weirded out by the fact that she lied about her accent and her ethnicity, and the fact that Daisy-dawgg really does not like this girl. She brags about having three boyfriends at home, talks about a ghost who follows her wherever she goes and steals her clothes, and warns the roommates that she has a terrible habit, which will come out tonight. Somebody guesses sucking her thumb, and she says that’s right, but I’m almost positive she’s lying, because that seems to be her favorite activity. Everybody’s pretty nice to her to her face, but privately worry that she might start drama in the house. You guys have no idea.
She also clearly has a crush on Jordan, as he’s all she can talk about to the other roommates. She wants to see him rage at somebody like he did to Jessica, and says she can’t wait to give him a taste of his own medicine. And now she begins the scariest part of her tenancy in the Portland loft — systematically going from person to person to get on their good side and find out about them. She starts with Averey, whom she gets to open up about her childhood and how she was abused by her mother, and compliments her on her maturity and wisdom beyond her years. Which…is exactly what Averey wants and needs to hear in order to open up to people. And Nia figured it out right away. GUYS. NOTICE THIS. It’s scary!
The group goes out to a bar that night, where Nia hones in on her next targets — Anastasia and Jordan himself. She gets to Bird by telling her that she rarely meets a woman who’s attractive and can also speak her mind, and she’s immediately in. She puts Anastasia so at ease that she’s telling Nia what she thought of her when she first showed up. She’s basically getting Anastasia to lay out exactly how she expected her to behave, so Nia can decide for herself whether she wants to go along with that or go against it. I’m creeped out. Then she moves on to Jordan, trying to get in his head and figure out how he works. She gets him to talk about his upbringing, when his dad’s philosophy was ‘see it once, do it once, teach it’. She’s starting to understand that the way he acts is a mask for his insecurity from the way he was pushed as a kid. She even says in one of her interviews that she’s trying to get Jordan to like her because she’s all about guerrilla warfare.
And Marlon. Poor Marlon, he’s a sitting duck. They’re playing pool and Marlon is so obviously totally into her. He says his biggest distraction is women and opens up to her about having sex with a guy, at which point she shares her own secret — that she was date raped. Okay. Here’s the thing: I don’t how to feel about this. On the one hand, I hope the story isn’t true, because I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone, but on the other hand, if it is true, then I hope Nia’s speaking about it honestly. Generally I wouldn’t question a story like that, but given that you just walked onto a show saying lying is one of your favorite activities, and I just watched you lie about multiple insignificant things for literally no reason…I hope you can understand why I might not be 100% convinced of your honesty. If it did happen, I’m really sorry, and I feel like a dick, but it’s hard to trust her when she did herself the disservice of portraying herself as unreliable and manipulative.
Anyway. Moving on to Jess, Nia sits down with her and sympathizes with her for being targeted by Jordan over some family dinner nonsense. She says again that she’s excited to give him what for, and says in an interview that everyone in the house is too sensitive. Not for long!
On to Splash Bar, where Nia and Marlon are giving every indication of hooking up tonight. You know, sharing ‘suck shots’ and whatnot, walking home arm in arm. He’s totally into her and it seems like it’s gonna happen…until we get back to the house and something in he brain switches and she starts going after Jordan HARD. And not in a ‘taste of his own medicine’ way — in a ‘ridiculing the size of his dick and then asking to see it way’. You guys, it escalates really quickly from her telling him he must be compensating for something to telling him, “I wanna suck the skin off your dick. Are you gonna let me?” UM WHAT. What did you just say? This girl wants to give Jordan a blow job while the rest of the house watches. WLKJFSLDKFJLSKEJRIO. WHAT. I mean first of all, that was a close call, Marlon, as she’s obviously nutty, but holy shit. Nia and Jordan start making out on the pool table, and it’s really important to Nia that people watch her blow him. She keeps going and getting more of an audience, even knocking on the window to get people to come over. It’s insane, you guys. It made me so uncomfortable in my stomach…annnd that’s where the episode ended.
SO. Obviously I have a lot of questions, as do most people, I’m assuming. Wouldn’t it be cool if you could actually ask Nia about them? Welp, you can, because she’s gonna be doing a live chat on Crushable’s Facebook today at 4:00 EST. You can ask her any question you want…you know, if asking one of your new roommates if you can suck the skin off his dick while the rest of your new roommates and THE NATION watch somehow doesn’t make sense to you.