It’s a tough week to be Jessica Biel, it seems. Even though she’s married to noted sexpot Justin Timberlake, there are some troubling rumors coming out of her camp that suggest JT is slowly but surely leaving her for Jimmy Fallon. Yes, that’s right! Jimmy Fallon, with whom Justin recently spent a passionate week co-hosting a show. You remember TimberWeek, right? It was filled with long stares into each others’ eyes, moonlit walks on the beach, and the whispering of sweet nothings into each others’ ears. And as it turns out, this illicit week wasn’t even the beginning of their love affair! We found out today with the release of this year’s Time 100, that Jimmy actually interrupted Justin and Jessica’s wedding. Not in a ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ kind of way, but pretty damn close:
Picture this: I’m in the heart of an impromptu speech at my wedding reception in front of 150 guests, pouring it out to my lovely new bride. You could hear a pin drop. I paused for just a moment in between thoughts. And then there was Jimmy, shouting a joke from his seat, sparking an improv between the two of us that went on for a good five or 10 minutes and had all our guests roaring with laughter … It turned into a moment that everyone there will remember forever. Anyone else would have bombed on that stage. And then I would have kicked their ass.
You guys. How much does J-Biel hate J-Falls right now? I’m sure it was amazing to be at that wedding, but also totes embarrassing, to have your husband’s lover right there making late-night quips. And now! Now come to find out, Justin actually keeps Jessica in a cage, with their pet bulldog Tina. Oh the indignity. Jessica alerted us to her plight by posting a picture of herself in the cage to Instagram, which Justin apparently still lets her keep because it’s a basic human right. This is America, after all. But just look at her, so forlorn in her cage…ripe with the knowledge that her husband is in love with another man. The same man that American is in love with, and whose face will soon be splashed all over The Tonight Show when he takes over for Jay Leno in 2014. But until then, Jess, just hang in there, okay? Jimmy Fallon is the girl you date, not the girl you marry. Justin will get tired of him eventually.
(Images: Andres Otero / WENN.com / Instagram via E!)