After taking a long and leisurely lunch today, I returned to my desk to see not one, but two stories on Jennifer Aniston being caught cupping. And no you crazy kids, that’s unfortunately not some new slang for attempting to get in touch with your inner Anna Kendrick. No, it’s an alternative medicine that involves placing cups on your skin and creating suction in attempt to make you more healthy. Does it work? Who knows. Do celebrities probably pay a lot of money to have it done to them? Naturally.
While it wouldn’t be my go-to treatment for whatever’s ailing me, it’s not exactly something to be embarrassed about. You wouldn’t go up to someone who got a flu shot and be like, “ooooo I could tell by your band-aid on your arm you got a flu shot today, might want to cover that up before everyone think you’re into preventative care…” But I guess People and Radar Online disagree with me when it comes to health. Both sites are horrified that she showed up on the red carpet last night without covering up her cupping marks. She just walked down the red carpet with the evidence in plain sight.
The cup-shamists at People kicked off the conversation with, “But even concealer couldn’t hide the marks left from cupping across Aniston’s back.” And then the cup-accusists at Radar Online took it a step further with, “Cupping is used to treat various conditions, including congestion, bronchitis and…infertility!”
Yes, we have a dot, dot, dot infertility in this story. Which is only slightly more scandalous than congestion. Something that sources tell us that Hollywood women are forced to constantly hide from the public.
“Oh I don’t have a cold? Allergies, no! Who told you that? Oh I feel fine. Nasal passages are working great. You could run a ship through straight through them. That’s how clear they are. I sound funny? You sound funny” is the common refrain heard from A-list stars accused of being congested. It’s no wonder they have to underground to get their treatment. It’s just a shame I guess that Jennifer Aniston had to ruin everything by forgetting to cover up her back. There’s no going back now. Everyone’s going to know that celebrities are trying to find a way to cure their congestion. Or worse, their infertility.