• Wed, Apr 17 2013

I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Anne Hathaway That Your Buying Toilet Paper Is Newsworthy

Anne Hathaway at the Opening night of 'ANN' at the Vivian Beaumont Theatre

There is a world where buying toilet paper is newsworthy. And that world is Anne Hathaway’s. Anne, I don’t feel sorry for you that what you put on your butt is newsworthy.

Look, you were out to win an Oscar for Les Miserables (which you did, congrats), and in the process, you made us extremely aware of everything you put in your body in preparation for that role. I couldn’t look at Quaker Oats without thinking about you fashioning them into little oatmeal paste squares and tucking them into your purse for your daily sustenance.

You made it our business to know what you were putting into your body. So you think we’re gonna all of a sudden not give a you-know-what about what comes out of it?

Of course we care! We were trained to care! We now know that you use Charmin on that skinny little bum of yours, and that feels very full-circle. (Les Miserables? More like, Les Comfortables, am I right people? That Charmin stuff feels like your favorite old T-shirt and heaven wrapped up in a little six inch roll.)

In a way, I’m jealous. I think it would be a really gratifying thing to feel like I’d done something newsworthy by merely running errands. It’s like procrastination times infinity.

The sense of accomplishment I get when I finally buy the AAA batteries I’ve needed for the remote control is overwhelming as it is. I can’t imagine how great it would feel to not only cross something off my ever-growing “To Do” list, but ALSO make headlines!

If I lived in an Anne Hathaway world, here are a few things I’ve done in the past 24 hours that would make headlines:

1. I bought coffee from a street cart.

I can see the headlines now! “Regular Girl Buys Coffee.” Look at how down-to-earth I am by going into the world and buying coffee on my own two feet! Or, maybe the headlines would be negative, along the lines of “Addicted to Caffeine! She Can’t Get Enough of the Good Stuff!” I’m fine with either! Because it would give you, the people, some news to digest.

2. I changed my sheets.

In an Anne world, that would be like a BIG piece of news. Why is she changing them? What does she have to hide? The secret is that the sheets that were on my bed are a little itchy and I prefer the other set, so now that they are clean they’re on my bed. But if I were Anne Hathaway, you would CARE.

3. I didn’t take a shower.

That’s right. I haven’t showered in the last 24 hours. I mean, I took a shower yesterday morning, and I plan on showering again today, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. Uneventful and uninteresting. BUT if an Oscar winner hasn’t showered in 24 hours? Holy downward spiral, Batman! Think of the fun we would have with that headline!

So Anne, don’t fret. What might seem boring and uninteresting to you is just another piece of the puzzle that is Anne Hathaway for us.

(Photo: WENN.com)

What We're Reading:
Share This Post: