This week’s Teen Mom 2 was sorta boooooooring. But even Jenelle Evans, Chelsea Houska, Leah Messer-Calvert and Kailyn Lowry can usually provide at least some things of interest, even if it’s a particularly slow episode. Basically, if Jenelle Evans doesn’t have a catastrophic blowup, everything else is meh. It is, after all, the beginning of the end ya’ll. But do not fret…this ending is bittersweet. Cause really, how much longer can we watch Jenelle ruin her life (and everyone else’s), Chelsea resist the advances of Adam Lind, Kailyn constantly antagonize Jo Rivera and Leah Messer-Calvert talk about Corey Simms? Well, if you’re me, you could watch a lot longer than most people. But alas, we must accept that everyone is moving on, some are growing up, and most are getting married. We will always have their updated twitter pages to follow…but we shall be denied the pleasure of MTV editing and must therefore make our own conclusions on their ridiculous behavior. Ah, the power of social networking. Keeping cray cray Jenelle Evans relevant and in the news.
First things first - looks like Chelsea Houska is the first (well, at least the first that MTV airs) of our Teen Mom 2ers to turn the big 2-1! Woop woop! What are you gonna do now Chels? Well, she’s gonna drop off Aubree and probably do a nice dinner with a couple of friends and then maybe go to a bar, I dunno, but mostly she could be back to pick up Aubree later. Whaaaaaaa? This is 100% a sign of what happens when you have a child as a teenager. Even the fun of your 21st birthday is lost cause you are practically 45 years old already. Booooooo. But no worries, cause Chelsea’s settled in her new house, got Aubree’s birthday to plan after hers (with NO A-D-A-M…which is clearly now a curse word in the Houska household), she’s taking her leave from beauty school, and most importantly she has an awesome gay hairdresser friend who will be accompanying her on her night out. Which of course is the key to any gal’s good night, anyway. I predicted that Chelsea would go all annoying Mom on her birthday night out and want to complain about missing Aubree and go home at 10 PM. NOPE. Proven incorrect. Chelsea drinks, tries to score the bartender’s phone number, dances and makes out with her friends, and the next day doesn’t even look like she’s hungover. WELCOME TO 21! Enjoy it, lady. I’m proud of yah. But the proudest moment of all? The Adam texting recap the next morning and Chelsea’s amazing “I’m so over you, for real this time” response and reacting. Adam’s all “uhhhhh why don’t you make out with everyone” and Chelsea’s like “umm can you stop texting me, thanks”…and then carries on with his clearly jealous childish behavior (as Adam always does), but Chelsea’s like whatever son…go hang with your giiiiiiiirlfriend and leave me and Aubs alone biyatch. Bye hater! It’s great. Score one Team Chelsea. Looks like she’s finally gotten over him…and just in time to make lots of bad decisions after lots of drinking at lots of bars…legally. Happy Birthday girl!
Leah Messer-Calvert is two days away from her awesome Myrtle Beach wedding (part 2) to Jeremy Calvert. They’ve already gone official, so now it’s time to party with their friends that we’ve never ever seen in our whole lives but I guess exist because they are in the wedding party(?) Anyway, Leah is super stoked that her Pops is gonna walk her down the aisle, with her StepPops. Her real Dad sits back and marvels that she’s a 20 year old divorcee with 2 kids and is about to marry another dude and can also make breakfast. We are also amazed. But anyway, Leah is happy that her Myrtle Beach wedding ain’t gonna be nuthin like her other wedding to that dude she can’t shut up about…ever. No camo, no Corey, no one night stand a week before she walks to the alter. Why, this is practically a whole new life! Combining Leah and Jeremy’s first vacation together with their wedding weekend is economically practical, as well. No no, they absolutely aren’t moving too fast, but thanks for asking. Leah just can’t help herself most times, though. She has a real censorship problem when talking about Corey..to Jeremy…all the time…at awkward moments. Take a nap, child. Give it a rest. You are in the Myrtle Beach hotel room, the day of your wedding, and you still can’t stop yourself from mentioning Corey. I’m sure Jeremy looooooves that. He is a patient Saint. Marrying Leah, hearing about Corey, acquiring twin girls. Sweet. So, complete with 2 inch long fluorescent pink nails and a brand new wedding dress, Leah is ready, soooo soooo ready to say her vows, in the rain, in front of her family and friends…to Jeremy this time. So, they get hitched and the end. See, told you it was kind of boring.
Kailyn Lowry is excited cause Javi Marroquin passed his Air Force test and she and Isaac are moving with him and they are getting married and living happily ever after…and she still doesn’t have to tell Jo what’s happening. Yup, that’s right…Jo has no earthly clue this is all happening and that Isaac is moving away (unless MTV does some serious editing, but with Kailyn’s past, I doubt it). Her segment begins with a super obvious setup of Javi preparing to propose. But when you’ve talked about it this much and are going to join the military and get married at the courthouse so you can get health benefits…I guess that kind of takes out the romance anyway. But Javi does well with cute little Isaac at Kailyn’s hometown restaurant and a good ring. Well done Javi. At least we can tell he put a little more thought into Kailyn’s ring than Gary Head did to Jenelle’s ring. It’s a celebration! First, we’re gonna eat at this restaurant with paper napkins while everyone is weirded out that there’s a guy in a suit and a camera crew, then we’re going to the courthouse to get our marriage license, then we’re going to Hibachi to discuss how we’re gonna sabotage Jo’s chances to see his child for the rest of his life. Perfect! And that’s the end of that…until next week. Seriously…see above.
And finally, there’s Jenelle. Our favorite “at least we can count on her to entertain us with her shenanigans aka her life” gal on Teen Mom 2. Even a particularly tame Jenelle segment still interests. This week, she’s Allison the roommate-less because, I’m positive that Allison was done living with Jenelle the drug-user and Kieffer Delp the roommate who doesn’t pay rent. Good for her. Real money is different than MTV money, after all…and it seems like the girl had some standards. But, can you believe it?? Jace is turning 3 years old in a week and Babs has planned a sweet gym trampoline party thing for him. But wait, what’s this? Jenelle throws a hissy fit about none of her friends being able to attend cause Barbara didn’t tell Jenelle about her son’s birthday party that she planned until a week out. Excahuuuuuuuse me? Really Jenelle? REALLY? You can’t be serious right now. Sometimes I have no idea how Barbara even attempts to speak to Jenelle. She is clearly in another drug-hazed, unemployed, dropped out of school, living with Kieffer world. But enablers is as enablers does and Babs lets Jenelle throw her fit but then welcomes her to show up at the birthday party…sans friends. Cause honestly, what 20 year old wouldn’t LOVE to attend a 3 year old’s birthday party??? Can you smoke pot on the trampoline? Psssssh…I’ll pass, thanks dude. Not only are the friends recently MIA, but Jenelle is b-r-o-k-e. Like, one step away from prostituting for drugs broke. Like “letting” Kieffer live there and pay 1/2 the rent broke. But don’t worry, friends…Kieffer is totes in the business of making his own tobacco pipes. YUP. Tobacco pipes. AAAAAAAAnd we still haven’t hit rock bottom everyone. Yet another fight breaks out between the sane and the insane (Babs and Jenelle) about wanting to see Jace. Frankly, it’s disturbing to see how much Barbara gives in to Jenelle all. the. time. She really should just stick to her guns, continue to raise Jace, and let Jenelle hit real rock bottom. But we can only focus on one Jenelle problem at a time, and this week it’s how they are going to stop overdrafting their bank accounts in order to buy weed. Good lawd. Well, I guess we’ll see what happens next week. Total and utter disappointment and loss of words for Jenelle’s behavior? Yah, probably.