• Fri, Apr 12 2013

John Mayer Is Dating ‘A Mystery Blonde’, I Suspect Amanda Bynes

John Mayer attending Stand Up For Heroes Event Beacon Theater August 2012Less than a month after breaking up with Katy Perry in a storm of ‘lose weight’ comments and ‘no comments’ alike, John Mayer is out prowling the town again, looking for fresh victims. In this case, the town in Los Angeles, and the victim is a ‘very skinny, pretty blonde’ with whom he had dinner at the restaurant Soho House. Oho? Quelle suprise! And here I was, thinking that John had changed his ways. But if he’s not lurking in an apartment basement somewhere crying into a whiskey-soaked pillow and jerkin’ it into a dirty sock over the loss of Katy, then he’s not the mature man I thought he was becoming. Everyone knows that after a public, celebrity break-up, you’re required to exhibit at least three months of proper swamp-wallowing in your own sorrow. Otherwise it means you didn’t take the relationship seriously. But John appears to be rejecting all that conventional wisdom, spending two full hours at the restaurant with this mysterious blond lady. Whoever it was, they were at Soho House long enough for a fellow diner to politely spy on them, noting:

“He pulled out a chair for her and doted on her all night. He was talking a lot and was very animated, like he was trying to impress her. [Later in the evening] he reached across the table and held her hand.”

Well what the hell, John Mayer? Aren’t you supposed to be in mourning for Katy for the rest of your life? I mean, that was almost a year of dating! You guys barely could agree on who would get custody of Allison Williams. And the only other question is — who is this mystery blonde? Personally, I’m submitting Amanda Bynes as my obvious first choice. She can’t stop talking about how she’s blond and skinny, and I know she’s on the market since she never heard back from Drake on that vagina murdering proposal. All I’m saying is think about it; it all checks out.

(Image: Ivan Nikolov / WENN.com)

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  • Smart one

    It as his assistant, Missy. Jeez check your sources

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I would, but I can’t find them. They’re not where I left them. Help, I’m panicking!

  • Alanis Disaki

    I’m pretty John doesn’t “jerk it in a dirty sock” too often. He probably just shoots one or two texts out to a couple models and beats up the tang like it owes him money. The guy can pull pink whenever he wants, what the f*ck do you expect him to do? One girl dumps him..ok, he’ll just pick the next dime in line and get to work. Tough call. Girls who rag on him are just pissed because they’re not hot enough for him to take a dump on their chests instead of the latest hottie. And by dump on their chests I mean his music.