It’s so awkward that you’re reading this article about Coachella 2013 right now. Mostly because it means that you’re not there. Everyone who is anyone (or is Julia Robert’s niece) is already there. Just preparing their brains for some a good old-fashioned music festival. Who’s playing? Oh no one really knows. The thing about music festivals is that no one really goes for the music. It’s more for the Instagram photos that you can take to make everyone else back home feel jealous. And the celebrity sightings. And the drugs, and I suppose the celebrities-clearly-on-drugs sightings.
So what exactly will you be missing at Coachella while you’re on your couchella? We’ve put together the definitive list of everything people will be doing there. (Besides not wearing shoes, since that’s totally obvious.)
1. People wearing clothing that wouldn’t normally be categorized as clothing. We’re talking shirts made out of fishnet, pants made out of recycled grocery bags and underwear made out of red solo cups. Nothing you will see will make sense. Yet somehow people will pull it off. Well some people. Other people will be Mischa Barton, making her contractual quarterly appearance to remind people that yes, she’s still alive.
2. People doing drugs off of other people. While I would be hard-pressed to pick my favorite moment of Coachella 2K12, I would definitely have to say that Rihanna allegedly doing drugs off of a bald man’s head ranks pretty, pretty highly in my book.
3. People who you used to know from Disney Channel acting very un-Disney-Channel. It’s fair to say that Coachella is like Vanessa Hudgen’s Bat Mitzvah. If people celebrated their Bat Mitzvahs every single year while wearing extremely questionable clothing. Then again I did wear a tween-size blazer to my Bat Mitzvah so maybe, they’re actually not all that different.
4. People not taking the time to google “should I take my baby to a music festival?” In case you forgot that Alicia Silverstone dominated headlines last year for baby-birding her son and taking him to Coachella, she did. Which is totally clueless of her. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
5. People performing on stage, even though they’re supposed to be dead. Sometimes people you believe to be dead come back to life in hologram form to perform at a concert. People like Tupac, who surely left the following directive in his will” “You may bring me back to life for ticket selling purposes once and only once, and it must be in the presence of people who are so messed up on drugs and heat that they actually think they’re seeing a ghost. Also RIP me.”
6. People allegedly hooking up in portapotties, despite the fact they make millions of dollars a year and surely can afford to check toilet-sex off their bucket list in a nicer bathroom. Oh Gerard Butler. Were there really no other options last year? Nothing? Okay, we believe you.