Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Harper’s Bazaar Bizarre Interview, Misinterprets The Word ‘Balance’

Gwyneth Paltrow Harper's Bazaar cover May 2013

Gwyneth Paltrow is continuing her misguided campaign to convince us she’s totally down-to-earth with a new interview in the May 2013 issue of Harper’s Bazaar Bizarre in which she tries — and fails — to prove she understands what the word “balance” means.

Unless you’ve been trapped beneath a pile of all those disgusting foods Gwyneth hates (like eggplant — ugh, you monster), you’ve probably heard about Ms. Paltrow’s new cookbook, It’s All Good, which will leave you with an empty stomach and an empty wallet. You have probably also heard that, while her daughter Apple might be starving most of the time, once a week she’s allowed to drink a Coke. It looks like Gwyneth extends this “once a week” idea into her own lifestyle. And her weekend guilty pleasure is still pretty unhealthy What is it, you ask? I’ll let Gwyneth tell you:

“My one light American Spirit that I smoke once a week, on Saturday night.”

That’s right. Carbs are a no-no, but a weekly cigarette is totally cool, you guys. What makes it even weirder is that Gwyneth actually thinks this is a totally healthy, balanced way to live:

“It’s what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.”

I just can’t make sense of this lady. I am just as mystified by the things that come out of her mouth as I am by the things that can and cannot go into it. Is this part of some new diet fad where you expel all the crazy thoughts you have in a magazine interview and instantly drop a dress size? Because that’s the only explanation I can come up with for this.

Gwyneth adds that she would never do Botox again because she “looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!” And I bet Joan Rivers is the kinda lady who ate tomatoes once, so gross!

But you know who Gwyneth wouldn’t mind being more like? Jay-Z:

“I don’t hold on to fear as much as I used to, because I’ve learned a lot about genuinely not caring what strangers think about me. … It’s very liberating. It’s very empowering, and I’ve learned a lot of that from Jay — Shawn Carter — Z, because his approach to life is very internal. It’s a very good lesson to learn.”

I’m glad you don’t care what strangers think about you, Gwyneth, because it makes me feel a lot better about writing this post. I also appreciate that you clarified that the Jay-Z you know is in fact Shawn Carter, and not that other guy.

And of course Gwyneth’s conflicted about having another baby:

“But then you see a baby and you smell a baby! And you’re like, ‘Yep, I do.’ I don’t know. It’s a very big decision, so we’ll see. Anyway, I’m not doing it this month!”

You smell that baby and it smells so good and you’re so hungry you could just eat it right there… Whoops. I mean you could have one of your own and raise it responsibly without ever eating it ever. I also appreciate that Gwyneth organizes her baby-making on a month-to-month basis. Apple has her weekly Coke, Gwyneth her weekly cigarette. So I can only assume Chris Martin his monthly sex, and perhaps their son Moses has his one day a month to choose a different name for himself.

(Image: Harper’s Bazaar)

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Alexis Rhiannon

      There was not one thing in her interview that made sense. Not one thing. I’m obsessed.

      • Jenni

        I’m starting to think someone taught her about trolling

    • MCR

      Funny summation. I avoid celebrity interviews like the plague, but I appreciate your take on them.
      Personally, I find the balance between cigarettes and tofu by avoiding both. Eat real food, inhale plain oxygen, that’s my very special regimen.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Thanks for reading! I looove plain oxygen. But in moderation, of course.

    • abbeysbooks

      Alan Carr has a decades old Stop Smoking program. Cutting down to one or a few cigarettes results in an increased desire and addiction as that one cigarette becomes very very important and looked forward to. It makes it a very treasured thing. Gwyneth is simply obsessive/compulsive and very controlling. That one coke is going to be extra important for Apple. She has a coke addiction awaiting her in the future and an eating disorder to assert herself the only way she thinks she can. I mean can anyone imagine living with this woman? Obviously Brad Pitt couldn’t.

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    • Libby Horne

      This post is absolutely hilarious. For a minute there, I thought I was reading an article in Cracked Magazine. This is my new fave blog.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Thanks so much!

    • Hestia Tobacco

      Hey Gwyneth – Give Hestia Tobacco smokes a try –

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