Can we just drop everything for a sec and talk about how disappointed I am that this season of The Millionaire Matchmaker is over? What will supply my morning dose of schadenfreude and getting-ready background noise?
That said, last night’s season finale of gave me exactly what I needed. Namely, a heaping dose of that signature blend of creepy and sad that Patti Stanger, her employees, and her clients do best. When I’m convinced that I’ll die spouse-less with only a bottle of Arbor Mist and 3 cats beside my corpse, this show helps me feel better about myself. Because the dating world an extremely shallow and creepy place, full of lame people who I’m better off not interacting with. There were hopeless clients who said things like –“The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.” There were shirtless mirror selfies. Patti was a female chauvinist as usual, and I felt great being righteously angry at her when she reprimanded every girl who dared show up to the casting call in something other than a bodycon dress. So let’s count down the creepiest moments from this season’s finale. Because we’re good enough, we’re smart enough, and doggone it, we can land more dates than Southern California millionaires.
Seth Grabel’s introduction video:
Client 1 is your classic man you can’t trust—Seth Grabel: a bald magician with a soul patch who wears studded blazers. And like all magicians, he kind of reminds us of Gob Bluth, but without the lovable idiot thing. He dons a wig and fake buck teeth and does a nerd voice. His video begins with him using his hand as a ventriloquist puppet. It’s at this moment that we’re positive he isn’t getting a girlfriend out of this. Possibly, that he is never getting a girlfriend.
Marty’s “Drunk House” is a 15,000 square foot estate.
The term man child doesn’t fully account for 32-year old Party Marty. Self-described playboy Marty runs a location scouting company and has a net worth of around 6 million dollars, which he uses to purchase cars, guitars, and his 15,000 square foot house, dubbed by him as the “drunk house.” His friends arrive some time before the working world lets out, start “doing bong hits”, drinking , and just having the all-around rollicking good time of a 22 year old frat boy. Mind you, Marty is ten years older than that, and that he could’ve spared a few thousand square feet on his drunk pad to maybe donate some money to The Red Cross.
Seth Grabel’s Americas Got Talent quasi-fame just makes it so hard to find an honest woman:
So apparently this guy was the runner up on America’s Got Talent? I didn’t recognize him, but maybe someone else did. He tells Patti in earnest that most of the women he meets are interested in his fame and money. And then Patti’s like “Bitch please, I don’t know you from Clay Aiken.” So at the mixer, Patti asks the congregation if they recognize Seth. Surprise, surprise! Crickets.
In Marty’s introduction video, we can glean from this shirtless mirror selfie that Marty’s favorite activity is taking shirtless mirror selfies. We’re disturbed. No tinge of embarrassment, because this is something that he did wittingly.
Patti criticized this girl for wearing a totally cute dress, as per uje…
Seriously, I think I own a version of it. But because it’s totally kosher to wear around your family, allows for full range of leg motion, and not mid-grade Vegas courtesan, it’s like kryptonite to Patti. But thanks Patti, for saying that it makes her look bottom heavy, then waving the pockets around saying “Hey Dumbo!” Remind us to give a crap about your opinion of what is sexy. And to get my Zuba pants and Lisa Frank t-shirt from the cleaners for the next Millionaires Club recruiting session.
Being a female firefighter is a “conversation starter.”
One of the candidates at the recruiting session was a firefighter. Aka, something other than a wellness coach or a nurse, so Patti was like “conversation starter!!” This is exactly why Barbie wanted to be an astronaut. Because she wanted something to make her stand out at Ken’s frat mixer.
The inequitable balance of female to male clothing at the mixer.
Did we mention it was a bikini mixer? Meaning that the women all wore non-one-piece bathing suits and belly chains while the dudes wore those early-aught baggy khakis and full shirts. Yet another instance of Patti reinforcing the idea that women are specimens to be judged and the men(or rather their penises) are the pickers. To make things worse, Seth is a boob man and is not shy about reminding us of this every five minutes. Again, remind me to get my zuba pants from the cleaners.
Patti’s half-baked proposal.
While her millionaires set out on dates that we know are going nowhere because these men are walking deal-breakers, David the new boyfriend takes Patti away to Catalina on a romantic getaway. He’s got something big to ask her. Will she…move in with him? And while moving in with a man before a proposal is in violation of the Holy Document of Matchmaker Law, David has a solution. A promise ring! And naturally, this solves everything and she’s sort of quasi-engaged now, we guess. He liked it, and he’s considering the possibility of putting a serious ring on it.
So with a trip to Kay jewelers on the horizon for Patti, we bid adieu to another season of The Millionaire Matchmaker. But if it’s any consolation, we can probably depend on daytime rerun marathons of this for like, another 3 months.