Lindsay Lohan must be a wizard, because the feats of magic she’s been performing on our court systems are unprecedented in their scope and majesty. She was ordered to go to a mandatory ninety day rehab sentence in lieu of going to jail in her most recent lying to the cops case, and yet she still roams the earth, imbibing of drinks and hiding under tables in Brazil. Which is weird, right, because last I checked, ‘mandatory’ is one of those words that means like ‘must do’ and ‘required’ and ‘not up for debate, young lady’, isn’t it? Well, yes…unless you’re Lindsay Lohan. Somehow, with an entitled shake of her fire crotch, LiLo was able to talk someone somewhere into delaying her rehab sentence…SO SHE COULD GO TO COACHELLA. Yes, Coachella, a music festival so rife with drugs and alcohol that Charlie Sheen considers it an adequate pre-game. A place so desperately anti-rehab that even the people who party with Lindsay wish she wouldn’t go to it. From the mouth of Claus Hjelmbak, a celebrity promoter:
“Lindsay is in a very dark place right now, and I’m absolutely scared for her life. Coachella is the last place she needs to be. For someone struggling with addiction, like Lindsay, the amount of drugs and alcohol at Coachella is just a recipe for disaster waiting to happen. I know because I have been to the VIP tent at Coachella in the past. Lindsay can turn it around, but she has to look deep inside herself and get the help she needs. I wish Lindsay would go to rehab right now, and not wait until the last possible moment. I want Lindsay to know I’m here for her, and that I just want her to get help before it’s too late.”
Okay so just one second. When a CELEBRITY PROMOTER is telling you to pump the brakes, it might be time to pump the brakes. Also he’s willing to go on the record with Radar instead of just being cited as an ‘insider’ or ‘someone close to the troubled starlet’, which should also be a warning sign. And regardless, even if you’re somehow able to move your court-mandated rehab schedule around like pawns on a chessboard, I’m fairly confident that no matter when it is, you’re not supposed to go on an epic, Coachella-fueled bender right before. I’m no expert, but this feels a lot like saying you’re gonna go on a diet, and then eating the Ben and Jerry’s factory to prepare. Also, I’ve seen an episode or two of Intervention in my days, so I take back what I said earlier about not being an expert. Enjoy rehab, Lindsay. I hope all that folksy music gives you a hankering for ninety days of omelet bar.
(Image: STS / WENN.com)