We made it, guys. We made it to the end of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami. We survived vampire facials and breast milk theft. We learned what to do when confronted with excessive kitten dingleberries and were taught the vaginal benefits of pineapple juice. We listened while Kourtney complained about Scott and resisted throwing our televisions out the window when Kim said she wanted to be a private investigator. We knew that the Kimye baby was already wrecking havoc on the sartorial decisions of Kim but we watched (or read recaps) to find out how the pregnancy would be revealed. And last night, finally, Kim spoke those two magic words “I’m pregnant.” Oh, and everything else came to some sort of a conclusion too.
Last week, I complained about the finale being a two-parter which didn’t make sense because only the last episode is the true finale. Well, now I understand the trick. The show had to carry on long enough to compete with the Mad Men premiere. Obviously, these two shows have the exact same audience, right? Am I the only one that watches both of these? Okay, I might literally be the only one. If there are more of you, let’s start a club. Luckily, both shows repeat right after they air, so after doing some mathematical calculations, I was able to figure out a way to watch both the night they aired AND write this recap. In keeping with the honesty I’ve felt I brought to these recaps (aka admitting that I actually enjoy watching the show), I am willing to reveal that I watched Kourtney and Kim first and Mad Men on the rerun. I know! The horror!
The previous episode ended with Kim getting into private investigator Jake‘s car and being handed an ominous manilla envelope that contained the truth about Scott. Last night’s episode started with the reveal of the envelope’s contents which were… *drumroll*… pictures of Scott drunk in Atlanta! We already knew he went to Atlanta with friends and got drunk because it was on the previous episode. And Kourtney and Kim already knew because it wasn’t a secret! For the 97th time, Scott gets drunk. Kourtney doesn’t like it, but she knows it happens and a private investigator was totally unnecessary. Jake says something about how he wants to get more info. Wtf, Jake? Why do you care all of a sudden? Get outta here, you! (For the record: He does. We never see him again.)
After Kim gets the pictures, she goes back into the house and Kourtney immediately confronts her because she saw Kim with Jake and then Khloe filled her in on why they were together. Kourtney starts throwing Kim’s clothes off of the balcony, Kim goes “That’s couture!!” which was cringe-inducing for me, and then Kim decides it’s best if she go stay with her friend Jonathan. Soon, Scott finds out what happens and obviously is even more upset than Kourtney was. Somewhere in the middle of this Khloe says, “Everyone in my family is weird. It’s very odd.” I always appreciate Khloe for keeping it real.
While Kim’s staying with Jonathan, Kourtney finalizes the location of the new Dash store without her sisters. She also finds out that Scott is wearing makeup in one of the best secondary– or I guess tertiary, since we haven’t even gotten to Kim’s pregnancy annoucement yet– of the season. Kourtney goes in the bathroom and sees Scott looking through her makeup bag. She tells Khloe that she thinks he’s wearing makeup, which she’s cool with because every other guy she’s dated has worn makeup (um… okay), but that she just doesn’t know how to ask him about it. She wonders, “Should I just say, ‘Dude why are you wearing makeup?’” Khloe suggests she put on a white t-shirt and then go rub her boobs on his face. Best plan ever. And it works! The makeup rubs off and Scott denies it at first, but then says, “I’m not wearing makeup… I’m wearing tinted moisturizer.” Thank you for the long pause between clauses, Scott. I loved it.
A couple days (I’m assuming) later, Kim calls Kourtney in the middle of the night and asks that she come pick her up from Jonathan’s. “It’s an emergency!” Kourtney arrives and Kim reveals that she’s pregnant and having excruciating stomach pains. Kourtney keeps calm, puts her anger aside, and drives Kim to the hospital. The following day, we find out that Kim had a cyst in her ovary that burst, but that everything is okay now. Now that Kourtney knows, Kim wants to tell Khloe that she’s preg too, but is scared of upsetting her because Khloe has been trying to get pregnant for a while with no luck. When Kim tells Khloe, she’s excited and not at all mad ’cause Khloe’s normal like that.
Kim goes back to her and Kourtney’s house both because she’s pregnant, which forced Kourtney to stop being mad at her, and because she needs to pack her things since the family is leaving Miami. Kim sees Scott and says hi and Scott’s all “Don’t say hi to me!” Then he complains to Kourtney that Kim needs to move out another day. I think this is completely reasonable. She had him followed by a spy for crying out loud! Kim knows how to fix things though, she’ll tell him she’s pregnant! “I think it’ll explain why I’ve been so protective.” Dude. No. If you get the person who is basically your brother-in-law followed by a private eye, being pregnant doesn’t explain it away, it just makes them decide to stop being mad at you because pregnancy overrides anger. So, anyway, Kim goes to tell Scott but the show cuts to commercial first. Dude (I’m sorry, I say “dude” a lot when I’m impassioned) we already know she’s pregnant! You can’t cut to commercial each time the pregnancy is mentioned! Except they can and they did. When the show returns, Scott is really excited for Kim and decides to forget about the whole tracker-on-his-car and snooping-in-to-his-cell-phone-records thing.
The show ends with Kourtney, Scott, their kids, and Khloe going back to LA. Mason says “Bye, house!” as they drive off which is so adorable. Mason has consistantly been my favorite. He should get his own spin-off. I’m thinking, Keeping Up With Khloe and Mason. Or even, Mason and Penelope Take Naps would suffice. Kim is heading to New York instead, so that she can see Kanye. The final scene is her stepping out of an SUV into a crowd of paparazzi who are waiting at the airport. It’s filmed from inside the car which looks cool and is actually a little too artistic for this show.
Of course, that wasn’t the absolute end. We got a preview of “Next season on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” These things are like clockwork. The sun rises, the Earth revolves around the sun, flowers bloom, children grow, and the Kardashians always have a show on TV. You didn’t think the finale actually meant anything was ending, did you?
(Photo: E! Online)