• Sat, Apr 6 2013

The 5 Funniest And Most Ruthless Reviews Of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Ridiculous Cookbook

It's All Good Gwyneth Paltrow Cookbook

I can’t get enough of Gwyneth Paltrow lately.  Between her GOOP newsletters and her cookbooks old and new, I could be entertained for weeks.  Since Gwyneth has kept pretty quiet about the overall reaction to her book, and because she actually wrote the book and therefore must wholeheartedly believe everything she wrote and takes it seriously, I don’t exactly feel sorry for her at the moment.

Gone is the fun, down-to-earth Gwyneth of Shallow Hal. Instead, she’s been replaced by a madwoman who thinks everyone in America (or the world, really) should spend $25 on a jar of honey and make their daily breakfasts from the nests of ducks.  In order to properly give Old Gwyneth an official send-off to make way for new, out-of-touch-is-an-understatement Gwyneth, here are my 5 favorite reviews of her new cookbook, It’s All Good, which came out earlier this week.

1.) “It’s All Good is drenched in a chatty faux-populism that could only come from a rich person fearlessly boasting about her life of privilege.”- Eater.com.

2.) “The book reads like the manifesto to some sort of creepy healthy-girl sorority with members who use beet juice rather than permanent marker to circle the ‘problem areas’ on each other’s bodies.” -New York Post.

3.) “It’s All Good seems to take laughable Hollywood neuroticism about eating to the next level.” -The Atlantic

4.) “Seriously Gwyneth, we want to eat with you.  But we can’t afford it.  Unless you’re buying, Of course.” -Yahoo

And this last one comes from none other than Gwyneth herself, who by no means compares to Jennifer Garner in terms of being the best celebrity mom ever, but is aware that this book may be served with a little backlash:

5.) “One of my most negative qualities is this perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity, and that’s the ironic part. I’m so deeply flawed. I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship.” -USA Today

Well most normal mothers would struggle fighting with ducks for their eggs, or hunting down earthenware bowls, butcher block countertops, Global knives, a Vitamix blender, and a Le Creuset Dutch oven at their local grocery store or Target.  But to each their own, I guess.  If you need me, I’ll be eating a grilled cheese from the farm of Le Kraft Singles.

(Photo: Amazon)

You can reach this post's author, Cassandra Hough, on twitter.
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  • http://jeannie-ology.com/ Jeannieology

    GP has been an actress/muse, she mastered an English accent, she’s become an almost pop star and inflicted her vocal cords on everyone including the cast of Glee. She’s a blogger that blogs about expensive cheese, trendy stores and gay marriage, she decided to go on a cooking tour with Mario ‘Orange Clogs’ Battali and that chubby-bubby took her (what a schlub). Is there anything this woman can’t do, or thinks she can’t do.

    I’m sure she tried to convince the Food Network to give her a show because never in the history of cooking has there ever been or will there ever be anyone as awesome as Gwyneth (just ask her). She hangs out with Madonna (or did), is a Vogue fashion icon, a hip mother, she’s married to a rock star and now she’s low-carb and exercises everyday and she thinks we care?

    She named those poor children Apple and Moses, talked about her miscarriage and gave out pointers on how to spice up your sex life — Maybe if she conceives and posts a Youtube video of the sperm fertilizing the egg and the birth, since she covered Genesis and Exodus she can name her third child after an Old Testament prophet or Jesus or something.

    Gwyneth is like a 7-year-old at an adult party that sings off key, plays the piano badly and tap dances in front of guests to the delight of herself while everyone rolls their eyes and wonders when this obnoxious kid is going to shut the hell up.

    Gwyneth is her own biggest fan! Go to the gym or practice sex positions or something Gwyneth and don’t bother us again until, as another diversion, you take up gardening, or join the Roller Derby, or becomes the world authority on needlepoint.

    • Ria

      Tell us how you really feel.

  • Arielle

    Reviews that never get old: Gwyneth Paltrow’s cookbook and Guy Fieri’s restaurants

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