Jennifer Garner better sleep with one eye open from now on, because Gwyneth Paltrow is gonna assemble a crack team of veggie ninjas and shut her up in some kind of gluten-free dungeon somewhere. Why, you ask? Well, because Jen took her daughter Violet to a Los Angeles den of sin by the name of McDonalds. Oh my goodness. This is just. This is just too much. I’d almost rather the two of them went somewhere a little more classy like a strip joint or a gossip blog, because this is just the lowest of the low. Or so I’ve heard from my close internet friend Gwyneth, whose cookbook gives me advice on how and why to spend $300 a day avoiding coffee, dairy, alcohol, sugar, shellfish, potatoes, tomatoes, bell pepper, eggplant, corn, wheat, meat, soy, or anything processed. She really has my best interests at heart, even though I ignore them because the last time I tried, my stomach crawled up my esophagus, out of my mouth and onto my desk to yell at me and swat the air until I gave it a chicken pot pie.
But anyway, the battle between these moms will be one for the ages, and I’m picturing it going down like a highly dramatic wrestling match. In one corner we have Mommifer Garner, the best mom in all of Hollywood who occasionally lets her children indulge after a a particularly trying day of, say, going to the dentist. No harm in that, right? Well, Skinneth Paltrow will be the judge of that. The mere sight of a McDonald’s bag is enough to turn her blood to froth, which is impressive, because it’s largely made up of liquid quinoa, notoriously hard to froth. The ladies are facing off, the bell is sounding, DING DING DING, let the match beg –
…oop, Gwyneth Paltrow already snapped in half. Must’ve been a brisk wind in here. Soooo I guess we know who wins this virtual showdown…in my heart, at least. Better McLuck next time, Paltrow.
(Image: Pacific Coast News)