Jennifer Garner Takes Kids To McDonalds — Gwyneth Paltrow Officially Has A Nemesis

Violet Affleck and Jennifer Garner at McDonalds April 2013

Jennifer Garner better sleep with one eye open from now on, because Gwyneth Paltrow is gonna assemble a crack team of veggie ninjas and shut her up in some kind of gluten-free dungeon somewhere. Why, you ask? Well, because Jen took her daughter Violet to a Los Angeles den of sin by the name of McDonalds. Oh my goodness. This is just. This is just too much. I’d almost rather the two of them went somewhere a little more classy like a strip joint or a gossip blog, because this is just the lowest of the low. Or so I’ve heard from my close internet friend Gwyneth, whose cookbook gives me advice on how and why to spend $300 a day avoiding coffee, dairy, alcohol, sugar, shellfish, potatoes, tomatoes, bell pepper, eggplant, corn, wheat, meat, soy, or anything processed. She really has my best interests at heart, even though I ignore them because the last time I tried, my stomach crawled up my esophagus, out of my mouth and onto my desk to yell at me and swat the air until I gave it a chicken pot pie.

But anyway, the battle between these moms will be one for the ages, and I’m picturing it going down like a highly dramatic wrestling match. In one corner we have Mommifer Garner, the best mom in all of Hollywood who occasionally lets her children indulge after a a particularly trying day of, say, going to the dentist. No harm in that, right? Well, Skinneth Paltrow will be the judge of that. The mere sight of a McDonald’s bag is enough to turn her blood to froth, which is impressive, because it’s largely made up of liquid quinoa, notoriously hard to froth. The ladies are facing off, the bell is sounding, DING DING DING, let the match beg –

…oop, Gwyneth Paltrow already snapped in half. Must’ve been a brisk wind in here. Soooo I guess we know who wins this virtual showdown…in my heart, at least. Better McLuck next time, Paltrow.

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

Share This Post:
    • Just wanderin’

      OMFG, that made me LOL. Pure genius!!

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I’m so glad to hear it! Thanks for reading!

    • Pingback: Hot Sex Involves Trust in Women's Survey + More Health & Wellness News()

    • Ria

      I don’t know why but I still love Gwyneth:) Jennifer Garner is boring:(

    • Pom De Terre

      Gwyenth Paltrow is probably the single most self-centered and self absorbed has been celebrity out there right now. Her innane cookbooks, her innane blog about her innane weekends in Morocco, her innane holier-than-thou lifestyle. Looks at all her “accomplshments”: she won an Oscar for a movie that sucked because she was given kudos for having her already non-existant boobs taped down to dress like a man, (Proof- the pink disastor of a dress she wore to claim her Oscar that year- a style she apparently also passed down to Anne Hathaway.) She was born into talented and a real family of decent Hollywood parents and took advantage of it to climb her way up the status ladder, she was engaged to Brad Pitt (just like every other actress in Hollywood, so that alone says it all). she married a talented British musician and then ruined her 2 children’s lives by naming them Apple and Prune Juice, and now boasts a faux (ala Madonna) british accent as if she were to the manor born while indulging in her daily cleansing rituals (which in the vernacular
      is known as laxative abuse). She critcizes anyone with a viewpoint in disagreement with hers as “wrong” rather than “different”. hey Gwenny- when are you gonna get it-WE JUST DON’T CARE about you and your pompous life. Give me a real family like Ben and Jen any day of the week. Gwyneth, dear, you may have been born with a silver spoon in your mouth, but you have managed to shove it up another oriface so far that the sun doen’t shine- until after one of your cleansing rituals. Your father would roll over in his grave if he saw the arrogant, self centered “all about me” person you have become.

    • Pingback: Gwyneth Paltrow's Cookbook Reviews Are Hilarious and Ruthless()

    • disqus_iFekIFsGiT

      Gwyneth has no where near the class, kindness, maternal instinct, natural beauty or decency of Jennifer. Admire Jennifer tremendously think she is real. And everyone I know that has come in contact says Gwyneth is not only plain but a totally rude snob. Jennifer is sweet.

    • Pingback: Jennifer Aniston Once Ate A McDonald's Burger And It Was Horrible()