• Fri, Apr 5 2013

I’m Already Annoyed By How Gorgeous Halle Berry’s New Fetus Will Be

Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez at Cloud Atlas Premiere October 2012Halle Berry is pregnant, ya’ll! Pregnant! With a fetus in her belly! PREGNANT! I’m sorry for all the shouting and overreacting, I think I’m just overcompensating for the fact that I’m already intimidated by how attractive this offspring is going to be. I mean, have you taken a look at Halle’s cheekbones lately? Or her skin? Or her hair? Or her body? This lady is forty-six years old and she doesn’t look a day over PHENOMENAL. You guys I’m talking like a drag queen, I can’t stop. And don’t even get me started on her baby daddy and fiance Olivier Martinez. First of all, he’s French and his name is Olivier, so he’s legally required to be more attractive than 86.9% of the gentlemen I’ve ever laid eyes on. But he’s rocking some incredibly unfair bone structure as well, and that squinty eye thing that ruggedly attractive fellas must be taught how to do at birth.

In case you were interested in details and not just me raving about sexy fetuses, TMZ believes that Halle is a little over three months pregnant, and they feel pretty confident in saying it’ll be a boy. And OH MY GOD THEY SHOULD NAME HIM SIMBAH. Get it? To match Nahla, Halle’s daughter from her previous relationship with the (apparently very punch-able) Gabriel Aubry? Simbah and Nahlah?? I’d be obsessed. It’s perfect — just edgy enough to be Hollywood, but also borderline unfortunate enough to give his classmates a fighting chance at the popularity game at his fancy private school. Because even if all my dreams come true and these two do name their baby after a Disney character, I still feel fairly confident that he’ll be able to ease through middle school more comfortably than I did, on account of being the spawn of these two unfairly attractive people.

(Image: Brian To / WENN.com)

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