In news that makes me want to spit up a hairball right in the floor, there’s apparently going to be a Kitten Bowl in 2014. As a loud and proud dog person, I find this news disgusting. Like more disgusting than your friend who thinks it’s in any way acceptable to have her cat’s litter box in the kitchen. I’m getting naus just thinking about it, the kitty bowl and the litter box in the kitchen. People eat there, why would that be okay??
Think I’m overreacting to news about a kitty bowl? Well think again. Because, you know what, it’s not my fault that I hate cats — like 905 of my issues, it’s the media’s fault. If they didn’t push so many horrible cats in my face from such a young age, I may have taken more of a liking to them. But unfortunately for the cat industry, their PR team didn’t do such a great job.
Just look at these famous felines and try to tell me that I’m wrong. Try to tell me that I’m freaking out over nothing.
1. Salem from Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
I know I’m not the only one who got offended by how fake Salem looked in Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Or how surly he acted toward his owners. Like, calm down talking cat, these are the people who feed you. Maybe try not to be an asshole for six minutes.
2. Binx from Hocus Pocus
Talk about wallowing in your own misery! He could have easily solved his problems in the 1600s by TALKING. People don’t ignore a talking cat. Instead he mopes around Salem for 300 years and feels sorry for himself.
3. Garfield from the newspaper (?)
We get it. You like lasagna. You hate John. Your act got old 14 comic strips ago.
4. The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
Holy nightmares! Why did someone create this cat and then insert it into an animated children’s films. Just thinking about his smile makes me want to grimace. Also he was dealing with a very lost child. He could have shown a little more compassion.
5. The Aristocats from I don’t know, Greenwich, Connecticut
Talk about the 1% flaunting their wealth. Nothing says “I’m better than you” than wearing a bowtie around.
6. Sassy from Homeward Bound
Yes Sassy, be more of a bitch to the dogs trying to get you home. No, don’t show any appreciation for the fact that they’re doing all the hard work on your journey to get home.
7. Mr. Bigglesworth from Austin Powers
Oh God, have some decency and put some clothes on.
8. Tom from Tom & Jerry
What’s this we have here? Could it be a SOCIOPATH CAT for kids to watch on Saturday mornings? Oh yes, yes it is.