• Tue, Apr 2 2013

Everyone But Chelsea Houska Is Getting Hitched On Teen Mom 2…Womp Womp

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It’s true. Spring and love and clear bra straps are in the air for all the Teen Mom 2-ers…except Chelsea Houska. Who happens to be saddled with literally the worst human being ex-boyfriend baby daddy of them all. Even Ayyyndrooo showed up to prove paternity for Jenelle Evans’ Jace. Adam Lind is the worst. We’ll get into that later. But first, let’s get into all the proposals, pre-nuptial and courthouse weddin’ excitement on the Teen Mom 2 Wedding Bells Edition! Yup, Jenelle Evans, Kailyn Lowry and Leah Messer are all going to the chapel. After recapping all of the commitment and time it took for every one of our Teen Moms (sans Chelsea) to consider marriage and a lifetime of happiness…you’ll believe in true love again. Tears of joy, wtfs and “I give it a year”s will fall from your non-waterproof mascara’d eyes. After all, these girls are 20 years old. They are practically old maids…it’s about time.

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First, always the bridesmaid and never the bride, Chelsea Houska is dealing with the constant headache and douchebaggery that is Adam Lind. Sigh. Since Adam served her with the quasi-court papers, she’s been stressing about his bad behavior and texts. And now ol’ Adam has a new girlfriend, Tay Tay (or Taylor…of course). Never one to miss an opportunity to make a bad situation worse and to antagonize Chelsea via texts, he definitely stirs up some drama when he’s getting ready to drop off Aubree…with his girlfriend, no less. He’s even thrown out the “we” already…which Chelsea is like, really? REALLY?? And I’m all like, REALLY??

But with a new girlfriend comes the opportunity for Adam to play pretend Daddy for a bit, in order to impress said girlfriend and at the expense of Aubree. Chelsea ain’t having it, though, and shows some genuine maturity by ignoring his shenanigans when he drops Aubree off. Chelsea wins the Teen Mom 2 drop-off-the-kid Title. This probably makes Adam a little perturbed since, in between dirtbikes and DUIs, his main mission is to piss off Chelsea and her Dad. And so we find Adam and new girlfriend and Adam’s parents(?) at an eatery, discussing how Chelsea is soooo immature and won’t sign “the papers” so that poor Adam can see his little Aubree more. Ex-caaauuuuuuuse me? I mean, I don’t even think he convinces his own family and flavor of the month of his willingness to stop dicking around with being a real parent. The Chelsea blame game can only get you so far.

I mean, sure, she’s a little immature and dependent on Daddy…but as she states clearly (and what we’ve all seen on the show with very little editing, no doubt), Adam is not Father of the Year by any means and Chelsea is practically a single parent. And doing pretty well. I wish Adam would take Chelsea to court. It would be hilarious. But I don’t think he’s even that stupid. I’m sure he’ll just continually be mean to Chelsea, who is always so fragile and hopeful on family-making, that she’ll crack to his ridiculous mind-effing ways. When Chelsea goes to Daddy’s house, it was actually a nice moment where she breaks down and her Dad comforts her. But seriously…if there were ever a birth control PSA – it should be Adam Lind and the thought that you too, at 20 years old, could be dealing with that crap.

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Moving on to our progressive marriage segment. We’ll start with the proposal…which means Jenelle Evans and Gary Head. Oh, these two. A Marine and a local NC girl in loooove…sorta? The way they talk about each other is oh so…monotone. Sure, they fight and everyone knows it, but Jenelle is bipolar after all, and what’s love without a little knock down drag out fighting every day? What I really loved about this week’s episode was there was a legit voice of reason friend who was telling Jenelle she was being too…Jenelle. This friend pretty much figures that Gary is gonna pop the question and begs Jenelle not to accept cause she’s young and not ready (read: crazy and it probably won’t last). Actually, she outright says it probably won’t last and Jenelle laughs it off. Must be the bipolar.

But, you can’t stop a Marine in love, and so while Jenelle’s friend is in the other room, Gary whisks Jenelle off to the bedroom in order to giggle his way through a proposal. Complete with Jenelle’s dream diamond ring. But no Teen Mom 2 Jenelle Evans proposal would be complete without the pre-proposal Kieffer Delp chat. Yup, that happened. She actually brought up Kieffer AGAIN. Sweet sassafrass. But Gary, blinded by love and new boobies soldiered errrr Marined on with his intentions to make her the happiest girl in the world. Post-proposal calls for a cigarette and while Gary is out smoking, Jenelle’s friend is like uhhh didn’t you listen to what I said?

Child, please. Don’t you know I’m Jenelle Evans? Good decision-making is my last priority. I mean, we like each other, get along most of the time and he’s really good with Jace. You can’t stop true umm love. Now it’s time to get Babs’ approval. Which Jenelle never really cares about, but it’s always an opportunity to start a fight or cause drama. Barbara actually gives sorta approval, but suggests they wait awhile to get formally married. Yah right. Dude is in the military and Jenelle is one birth control lapse away from a second pregnancy. Good luck with that. Again, being up-to-date on Jenelle Evans’ life via her twitter account, I can’t wait to see how this all plays out.

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First comes proposal, then comes the marriage talk. Cause that’s how it works in the whirlwind lives of barely non-teenagers. But, Kailyn Lowry has always been one of the more consistently level-headed ones of Teen Mom 2…so when she and Javi Marroquin have their “where do you see us going in the future” talk, Javi mentions Air Force and Kailyn gives a half-smile with his second mention of getting married. Of course he’s considering the military. I’m just glad Kailyn knows what being a military wife entails. And she’s a little skeptical. Plus, she definitely has a kid with another man…so never one to back down from a legal challenge, I’m curious to see how Kailyn will handle the Jo Rivera custody agreement if they have to move to…say…Georgia. Georgia? That’s the least of your worries. GA is a dream compared to Iowa.

Have you been to middle of nowhere Iowa? Well pack your bags, girlfriend. You gets no choice. But still, I’m happy to see Javi making good choices and Kailyn considering a life of happiness. They are, after all, going to Vegas next week. So, if Javi passes his Air Force test, they might as well just get it over with while they are there. Yah know, make it legal and then have your big dream wedding later. Ah, Kailyn, you’re already thinking and talking like a military wife. I think you’re ready. Javi packs his bag and heads out to decide their future but, alas, his test is pushed back a week. Darn. Ever the clear-thinking Kailyn suggests that they also postpone their Vegas nuptials. Good thinking. Though I won’t believe it ’til I see it. Vegas is awesome. It screams marriage and love and bad decision making and alcohol. Just ask Britney Spears. Hello.

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And finally, Leah Messer is making is official so that she can be a home-owning WV wife…again. See, ’cause Leah and Jeremy Calvert will be approved for a better house loan if they’re married, so might as well. Don’t worry Mom, they’re still gonna have their sweet Myrtle Beach wedding, but for now, the time is right to head to the courthouse and get it over with. Leah has never been one to be patient in her family life choices. She’s on a mission…and Corey Simms is not gonna stand in her way. Except he does…all the time…cause she lets him. Man, Leah loves a good phone call to Corey to stir up some arguments and resentfulness. Better yet, poor Jeremy gets to hear all the aftermath and drama when all he wants to do is just go to the courthouse and get married. Simple life. Simple times. Even on the way to the jewelry store, pre-marriage, she brings up jealous Corey and how immature and stupid he is. Let me tell you something sweetheart. Even though you think you’re being forthcoming and not hiding anything…you’re being annoying and no one wants to hear that, especially Jeremy…who you almost lost because you were stuck up Corey’s tailpipe. Let. It. Go. You are literally on your way to the courthouse to get married. Move on. Props to Jeremy for putting up with that AND picking out some serious bling for their wedding bands. It reminds me of when I was roped in to be a witness at a courthouse wedding. Only our pre-wedding stops included Hair Cuttery and WalMart. True story. Jeremy is keeping it classy. There’s not even a hint of camoflauge-themed anything. I think it’ll be a good start to their West Virginia fantasy family life. I hope Leah can get her braces off soon so she can have lots to celebrate.

You can reach this post's author, Carling Uhler, on twitter.
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