• Tue, Apr 2 2013

Michael Fassbender And 9 Other Stars Less Famous Than Their Penises

Michael Fassbender Shame stillHappy birthday to Michael Fassbender! He’s thirty-six years old today, and if you’re anything like me and the rest of the population (whether female or otherwise), when anyone mentions his name, a giant image of a penis flashes into your brain. Even if you haven’t seen Shame, the move where he so memorably and full frontally and prolong…edly displays his saucy man-bits, you’ve heard enough about it by now that your brain does most of the work on its own. Michael Fassbender. Penis. Michael Fassbender. Penis. Michael Fassbender. PENIS PENIS PENIS. It’s inextricable. The term ‘fassbender’ has actually even entered our social vocabulary as a replacement for ‘penis’, as in, “We never hooked up, but I totally saw his Fassbender.”

But here’s the thing about Michael Fassbender — he was actually nominated for a ton of awards for Shame that weren’t at all penis-based. Yeah, turns out his body and mind and face and talent were in that movie too, just people tend to forget and get distracted in the face of his…well, you know. (I think I’ve already said the word ‘penis’ too much in this post; the cock police are probably outside my door right now, and this is far from over.) Being remembered almost solely for his penis is Michael Fassbender’s cross to bear in this life, but it’s not a path he has to walk alone. There are many celebrities whose genitalia has achieved more notoriety than the paltry celebrity to whom they are attached. So let’s go through them, shall we? Just to make Michael feel better on his special day: 9 Stars Less Famous Than Their Penises:

1. JON HAMM. Even though he doesn’t like it when we talk about it, Jon Hamm’s penis has gotten a lot of air time this year. It’s been photographed so much that it’s now required to hide behind a mandatory layer of underwear on the Mad Men set. (Oh right, that’s the show he’s on. I got distracted.)

Rasputin penis jar2. RASPUTIN. This guy was a Russian mystic, healer, and adviser to the Romanov family (the one that the animated movie Anastasia is based off of), so he was pretty important in his own right. Buuuuut all people seem to care about these days is that he was rumored to have had the world’s biggest penis, at over thirteen inches. It was castrated at the time of his assassination, and to this day, multiple people claim to have it preserved in a jar. Ah, the indignity.

3. JOHN MAYER. He may be trying to change his ways as of this latest relationship with Katy Perry, but John Mayer’s John Member has been inside a lady or two. He’s kind of known for it, mostly because he runs his mouth on how the woman was in bed after they break up. Sorry Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, and Taylor Swift…may you live on in infamy.

Anthony Weiner twitter picture penis4. ANTHONY WEINER. It couldn’t have happened to a better named guy. He was a United States Representative, until he was found to have tweeted out multiple images of his own trouser snake. Now he’s just another guy with a bunch of crotch-selfies on the internet. Whomp whomp.

5. RAY J. Oh Ray J. I think I hate you most of all, for filming that sex tape with Kim Kardashian that started it all and then disappearing, leaving us with a seething brood of fame-hungry K-names.

6. STATUE OF DAVID. Why would anyone be so cruel as to carve the best statue in the world and then leave it naked, to be pointed and jeered at by centuries-worth of middle schoolers yet to come.

7. RON JEREMY. Listen, I’ve never been on a porn site myself, but I hear that this guy is pretty much omnipresent on there, trying to sell enlargement devices and fake science pills to make your joystick bigger. But can you tell me one other thing about him? Like where he was born or what his favorite color is? That’s what I thought.

8. TOMMY LEE. He made pretty much the original sex tape, with Pamela Anderson, and all anyone’s been able to talk about since is how big his johnson is. Also, who is Tommy Lee?

David Beckham underwear penis9. DAVID BECKHAM. If you’ve seen one enormous H&M billboard, you’ve seen them all…unless it’s the one where Becks is wearing only underoos and his lightly clothed peen is as long as a bus. Those billboards you should try to see all of. In related news, did you know David Beckham has a wife and children and a speaking voice? The things I forget…

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  • http://twitter.com/PortraitOfMmeX Madame X

    How is Ewan McGregor not on this list? Was Velvet Goldmine really that forgettable?

    • Andrew

      Because Ewan McGregor is more famous than his penis.

  • http://twitter.com/titledivine Madeline Raynor

    I am totally going to start using Fassbender as slang for penis.

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  • jozseffrd

    Tommy Lee is way more famous than his dick!Drummer of Motley Crue all through the 80s and 90s no one knew about his dick till like 2000

  • Milan

    David Beckham is famous because of his penis!?? You are probably out of this world….

  • call boy

    good