It’s become clear to me by this point that Ke$ha has run out of regular kinds of sex to talk about, and now has had to move on to inventing her own versions. The weirder the better. For a while she tantalized us with stories of her dalliances with sexy ghosts, but it wasn’t long before those tales weren’t enough to give us our daily oddness fix anymore. I mean, there are only so many times that you can imagine Casper and Ke$ha romantically entwined, drunkenly peeing in public together and braiding each others’ rat tails. But don’t worry, guys, I have a brand new image to sear into your brains instead — eyeball sex. YEAH IT’S A THING. And Ke$ha has already had it with Johnny Depp, so that proves it, and I don’t want to hear another word about it.
“Me and Johnny Depp had eyeball sex at the benefit concert for Superstorm Sandy in Los Angeles. We never really talked – we just had eyeball sex.”
See, for any other celebrity, I would assume this meant ‘making saucy eye contact with someone’ or something. You know, like catching someone’s eye across the room and doing some kind of wink or googly eye thing that I haven’t mastered yet, but that I think we’re supposed to call ‘bedroom eyes’. But in Ke$ha’s case, I fear the real meaning is much more literal and…anatomical. Not to mention terrifying. When Ke$ha says ‘eyeball sex’, I’m almost positive that what she means is that each consenting party removes one eyeball out of their head. You then roll the eyeballs around each other in your palm like those dinging prayer balls, then rinse them out under the cold water faucet and pop the other person’s eye into your own head. Then you wear it around for a while while you free-style rap at each other in an intimate, romantic way, and finally you rinse the eye off again (in your mouth this time), and pop it back into your partner’s head. Uber sexy, no?
(Image: Ivan Nikolov / WENN.com)