Bid expelliarmus to the shy, girlish witch of the wizarding world you grew to love and admire in Harry Potter movies, because your girl Emma Watson is playing in a whole new ballgame on the cover of next month’s edition of British GQ. She’s dressed as her character in the upcoming movie The Bling Ring, and this girl is zero percent effing around and one hundred percent channeling a baby prostitute circa the Pretty Woman era. I don’t mean to be a prude, but this is all new to me. First she took off her clothes for Global Green USA, and now she’s winning a sultry-off with herself on the cover of a magazine? I thought that Emma would always be Hermione Granger in my mind, but Hermione never showed her midriff region via revealing cut-outs. Hermione never pulled down her skirt to show off her trendy tattoo. I never saw Hermione’s belly button — does Hermione even have a belly button?
This new girl still looks like Hermione, at least in the facial region, but she’s from the other side of the tracks. Her name is Harper Seven Granger (same last name, different accent) and she’s one of those edgy French girls who went to Beauxbatons and slept through class. But even though she doesn’t go to Hogwarts, she got Sorted anyway, cause she’s that cool. Ravenclaw and Slytherine Houses couldn’t stop fighting over her, so she has dual citizenship and access to both their common rooms. Just like Hermione, she was raised by Muggles — Victoria and David Beckham, in this case — but it took them forever to realize she was doing magic. Everyone just thought she was so effortlessly cool that she caused people to jump out of their clothes and up onto the roof of their own volition. That’s how cool this girl was. She got a tattoo of the Little Dipper on her upper pelvis region as a dare, when she lost a magical duel that she totally didn’t care about at all. Without even trying, she gets straight ‘E’s on her O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.S., because her professors are too intimidated by her to give her a grade that’s any lower. That’s the kinda girl we’re messing with now. Go see The Bling Ring of your own accord, or else she’ll wingardium leviosa your ass right into a seat at the theater, and you’ll be embarrassed in front of all your friends.