Earlier this month we learned from Gwyneth Paltrow’s cookbook It’s All Good (a lying liar title that lies) that her children Apple and Moses (It’s been years and I still feel ridiculous typing those names) adhere to a strict gluten-free, health-conscious, carb-averse diet that sometimes leaves them with “that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.” I imagine that hunger feels like your stomach is stretching out its stomachy arms and desperately reaching for the nearest bagel.
But it turns out, Apple and Moses have discovered that junk foods are real, and they’re spectacular. In her lifestyle newsletter Goop, Gwyneth addresses all those carb-obsessed Americans who yelled at her for her decisions, their voices muffled by the hunks of bread hanging grotesquely out of their filthy maws. She explains:
“I tried to start them off with all of the right foods but as they got older, the lure of Oreos and cotton candy outweighed the lure of carrots with hummus. And that’s all a part of childhood and I love Oreos too, so I completely understand. I try to make sure that what is on their plate at home is nutritious and tasty and then I loosen way up on the reigns when we are out. They love a brown rice stir-fry but they also love their ‘Coke of the week’. My daughter gravitates toward fresh fruit and raw nuts but will inhale a bag of hot Cheetos at the airport. It’s all about balance.”
I just pictured Gwyneth Paltrow eating Oreos and it was like picturing a fish walking on land carrying a suitcase. How do you think she eats them? The old-fashion twist and lick? The eat-it-in-one-bite? Or does she open it up and perform a carb-ectomy on it under a fluorescent light?
I for one am relieved to learn that Apple is allowed to eat foods other than apples. For a minute there I was worried that Gwyneth and Chris Martin had named her that as a dietary reminder. Since she didn’t name her son Orange, I guess I should have realized that wasn’t the case.
The phrase “Coke of the week” is giving me an ulcer, however. As someone who some days has to backtrack and figure out how many (diet!) sodas she has had in the past 24 hours, I think if I had only one Coke every seven days, my entire week would be devoted to thinking about that Coke. I would get nothing done. I admire Apple’s willpower.
I do have to ask, however, why hot Cheetos seem to only be allowed at the airport. Does the change in time zones during your flight cancel out whatever disgusting junk food you just ate before boarding? Could this be the secret weight-loss trick Gwyneth hasn’t shared with us?
(Photo: Pedro Andrade/KVS, PacificCoastNews.com)