• Fri, Mar 29 2013

Gwyneth Paltrow Assures Us She Lets Daughter Apple Eat Foods Other Than Her Namesake

Gwyneth Paltrow and daughter Apple Los Angeles October 26 2012

Earlier this month we learned from Gwyneth Paltrow’s cookbook It’s All Good (a lying liar title that lies) that her children Apple and Moses (It’s been years and I still feel ridiculous typing those names) adhere to a strict gluten-free, health-conscious, carb-averse diet that sometimes leaves them with “that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.” I imagine that hunger feels like your stomach is stretching out its stomachy arms and desperately reaching for the nearest bagel.

But it turns out, Apple and Moses have discovered that junk foods are real, and they’re spectacular. In her lifestyle newsletter Goop, Gwyneth addresses all those carb-obsessed Americans who yelled at her for her decisions, their voices muffled by the hunks of bread hanging grotesquely out of their filthy maws. She explains:

“I tried to start them off with all of the right foods but as they got older, the lure of Oreos and cotton candy outweighed the lure of carrots with hummus. And that’s all a part of childhood and I love Oreos too, so I completely understand. I try to make sure that what is on their plate at home is nutritious and tasty and then I loosen way up on the reigns when we are out. They love a brown rice stir-fry but they also love their ‘Coke of the week’. My daughter gravitates toward fresh fruit and raw nuts but will inhale a bag of hot Cheetos at the airport. It’s all about balance.”

I just pictured Gwyneth Paltrow eating Oreos and it was like picturing a fish walking on land carrying a suitcase. How do you think she eats them? The old-fashion twist and lick? The eat-it-in-one-bite? Or does she open it up and perform a carb-ectomy on it under a fluorescent light?

I for one am relieved to learn that Apple is allowed to eat foods other than apples. For a minute there I was worried that Gwyneth and Chris Martin had named her that as a dietary reminder. Since she didn’t name her son Orange, I guess I should have realized that wasn’t the case.

The phrase “Coke of the week” is giving me an ulcer, however. As someone who some days has to backtrack and figure out how many (diet!) sodas she has had in the past 24 hours, I think if I had only one Coke every seven days, my entire week would be devoted to thinking about that Coke. I would get nothing done. I admire Apple’s willpower.

I do have to ask, however, why hot Cheetos seem to only be allowed at the airport. Does the change in time zones during your flight cancel out whatever disgusting junk food you just ate before boarding? Could this be the secret weight-loss trick Gwyneth hasn’t shared with us?

(Photo: Pedro Andrade/KVS, PacificCoastNews.com)

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  • Jessie

    I only eat Mcdonald’s when (every time) I am in an airport. I feel like all the energy I use up death gripping the arm rest and willing the plane to land safely at my destination burns all the calories and fat in that delicious yet disgusting value meal.

    I am actually a little more stuck on the need to specify that her kids love a BROWN RICE stir fry. I typically just call it, Stir Fry. That’s just me I guess. I like to keep people wondering, makes me seem more mysterious.

  • Ria

    I know she’s wacky but I still love her:)

  • http://www.facebook.com/emily.coe.7758 Emily Coe

    My family uses the same approach as Gwyneth. We eat mainly veggies, fruit, beans, and pesticide-free dairy and poultry at home (and dark chocolate!). My 8-year old daughter has sworn off chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers after watching videos of how they are prepared. My husband has been vegan for a year. His blood sugar, weight, cholesterol, and blood pressure have improved drastically! It is no secret that processed and pre-prepared foods and diet foods are full of preservatives and chemicals that actually cause diabetes and obesity – not to mention the sodium that results in high blood pressure. Moreover, food companies hire chemists to manipulate foods through “isolates” of complete foods, that result in your brains’ addictive responses to the flavors (i.e. high fructose corn syrup and MSG). These isolates have concentrated amounts of sugars that makes your body (pancreas) work overtime to try and manage. So…Gwyneth is a well informed consumer who has made the choice to avoid, as much as possible, the addictive foods that large food companies “create.” When at the grocery store, make sure the majority of the foods in your basket come from the “perimeter,” and not the inside aisles. The perimeter foods are usually the fresh fruits, veggies, meat, and dairy. Eat fresh and prosper! I cannot wait to buy her new cookbook – fruity quinoa crumble, mmmmm!

  • Katarina

    I don’t see anything strange about how she or her children eat. Is this article trying to shame me for that?

    • competitivenonfiction

      me either. In fact, it’s quite similar to how we do it, though perhaps a bit more strict.

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  • sensorchip

    her kids will just end up stoopid. Only thing brain uses is glucose, especially when developing…

  • Rose D.

    Growing up, my three sisters and I were allowed to split one soda, once a week. That is 3 ounces each. We took tiny tiny sips and really enjoyed it. And now, we aren’t big soda drinkers. Soda was a treat, not a beverage, and I 100% would do the same thing if I had children.

  • Sam

    I dont think Gwyneth’s way of eating is wacky at all. She is feeding her children good clean foods. There are a lot of harmful ingredients in processed foods here in America that are illegal in other well developed countries. Companies like Walmart and K-Mart sell packaged foods in America with harmful ingredients, but you can get those same products from Walmart in the U.K./Australia, etc with completely different ingredients that are proven safe because those countries actually ban ingredients that are not proven safe. America is definitely way behind when it comes to healthy food supply! Kudos to her for taking the time to get informed on what she feeds her kids…

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