• Fri, Mar 29 2013

Here’s All The Sex You Can Expect From The 3rd Season Of Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones Ros and Tyrion

ALERT! This post is chock-full of spoilers! Don’t read it if you just watch the show and haven’t read the books.
 

 
Game Of Thrones is returning on Sunday for its third season, and in case you haven’t noticed, that show gets people naked and touching parts prettttty pretty pretty often. Like every episode. Like if I get through a whole one without seeing some sort of bits, I feel kinda cheated. And as great and engrossing as the plot of the show is by itself, the producers have happily come to embrace their reputation for sex and violence, and show co-creator D.B. Weiss promises that “there will be more romantic entanglements this season among the main characters.” Oh yeah? I like the sound of that! Tell me more about who might be having the sexy sex! We know that Kit Harrington, who plays Jon Snow, will be having sexy times with the wildling Ygritte this season, because he told us so in an interview with Rolling Stone, saying: “I have not had a lot of sex so far. I’ve been surrounded by men in the snow with no chance of getting nude.” But aside from that coupling, which will definitely be taking place in the third season, who else can we expect to get physical this time around?
Well, we here at Crushable don’t have any connections on the production staff of Game Of Thrones, to answer that question definitively, but we’re going to do our best. If there’s one thing we do know how to do, it’s how to put our nose in a book, and we think that qualifies us to make some season three predictions based on what happened in Storm Of Swords, the third book of the series. They might not be totally accurate, because they’re splitting the third book into two seasons for the TV show, but here’s a general idea of who will and won’t be having sex in season three of Game Of Thrones. Mad spoilers ahead. Like mega spoilers. Obviously.

Game of Thrones sex Daenerys YES SEX

Jon Snow and Ygritte. As previously mentioned, these two will be having sex, and a lot of it. Jon joined the Night’s Watch before he ever lost his virginity, so I’m predicting the end of their encounters might be a little overly…prompt. At least at first.

Robb Stark and Jeyne Westerling. Even though Robb was supposed to marry a Frey, he accidentally let Lady Jeyne comfort him with her lady body after his father was killed. And being the upstanding Stark man that he is, he decided to marry her. Guess he’s the King Of The North and The South now, if you know what I mean. Eh? Eh? I’m sorry.

Edmure Tully and Roslyn Frey. In exchange for Robb breaking his engagement with some unnamed Frey girl, the family insists that Edmure, Robb’s uncle, marry one of their ladies instead. Things don’t go exactly as planned, but it’s very clear in the book that Edmure enjoys himself at the marriage ceremony.

Tyrion Lannister and Shae. We’ve seen this before, we’ll see it again.

Tywin Lannister and Shae. Not pictured in the book, but I have a feeling the show won’t skip the opportunity to show it to us.

Littlefinger and Lysa Arryn. It’s described so vividly in the book that it’s turning my stomach right now to even imagine it. Not such a ‘Littlefinger’ after all, apparently.

Oberyn Martell and Ellaria Sand. The Red Viper, Doran’s brother, and his paramour. I didn’t see Ellaria in the list of new characters that HBO released, but I’m hopefully that we’ll see this relationship, because it sounds extra sultry.

Mance Rayder and Dalla. They make a baby, so there’s gotta be some sexy business in there somewhere.

Game of Thrones sex Daenerys and DrogoNO SEX

Cersei and Jaime Lannister. Jaime’s currently being escorted throughout the country under the guard of Brienne of Tarth, so don’t expect any funny business until he and his sister are reunited. Gross.

Sansa Stark and Tyrion Lannister. Even though these two get married in book three, Tyrion is kind enough not to require his child bride to consummate. Something I never thought I’d type.

Joffrey Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell. These two get married also, but they don’t quite make it to the consummation chamber, if you get my meaning.

Tommen Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell. Margaery is really just cruising through these husbands, but this one is like…eight years old? Pretty incapable of taking a maidenhead.

Selyse and Stannis Baratheon. They’re more of a one-and-done couple, and they already have Shireen.

And that’s everybody. Given, there are some characters that have been added, and they can be sprinkled into the plot at any time like so much hypersexual pepper, but these are the main characters who will probably be getting down…or not. Hope that was helpful, now put your hands where I can see them and get back to work. Perv.

(Images: WordPress / MusicFeeds / UGO)

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  • Lemon cakes

    Oberyn Martell is not Doran’s son, he’s his brother. And Mance and Val are not a couple, nor do they make a baby. Mance’s wife is Dalla, Val’s sister, and Mance makes a baby with Dalla. Get your facts straight.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Whoops, writing in a hurry! Thanks for the corrections, it’s been fixed!

  • Colleen

    Just as a heads up – I have read the books and am therefore not spoiled – but there’s bound to be some people who are gonna be SUPER PISSED that you’ve revealed certain weddings and deaths that were not implicated at the end of Season Two. Might want to put a big “spoilers, bitches!” in the subheader…

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      “Mad spoilers ahead. Like mega spoilers. Obviously.”

      That was already in there but I’ve taken your advice and added a header as well!

    • MaryJanice Davidson

      There’s only so much you can do to protect people from their own stupidity. Still, it’s great that you tried so hard! :-)

  • http://www.daniellellanes.com/ Danielle Llanes

    I’m going to agree – might want to slap a spoiler warning for those that haven’t read the books. I will thank you for calling her Jeyne even if the showverse renamed her Talisa. And from what I recall – even if Jon Snow didn’t know anything – he was apparently very good with the “Lord’s Kiss” *wink*

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Yup, took care of it!

    • http://www.daniellellanes.com/ Danielle Llanes

      awesome! :)

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