Something very weird happened this week on Twitter. It involves four unlikely celebrities entangled in a bizarre love… square? parallelogram? rectangle? rhombus? Rhombus. That’s an appropriately weird quadrilateral to describe this story.
Let me break it down for you, since it’s harder to follow than that love rhombus among the servants on Downton Abbey. You might remember Amanda Bynes’ charming tweet requesting for the rapper Drake to murder her vagina. It’s clear that Amanda really carries a torch for Drake, but her love has tragically remained unrequited. On Tuesday night, it looked for a second like Rosie O’Donnell — yes, Ole Golly from Harriet the Spy — was trying to swoop in and steal the rapper from Amanda, when she tweeted that Drake was cute:
It looked briefly as if there might be an Amanda/Rosie cat fight brewing. When someone pointed this out to Rosie, she responded in all caps (VERY IMPORTANT FOR MAKING YOUR POINT) explaining that no, she wasn’t talking about Drake the rapper, but rather Drake Bell, the former Nickelodeon star and current contestant on that diving show you’re not watching.
But that didn’t stop rapper Drake from being immensely flattered that Rosie O’Donnell’s very fingers typed his name. Early this morning he tweeted how excited he was about it:
So let me get this straight. Rosie O’Donnell thinks Drake Bell is cute. Drake the rapper obviously harbors an enormous crush on Rosie O’Donnell. We’ll ignore that Rosie followed up with a tweet complimenting rapper Drake; that was probably just to be polite. We’ve already established that Amanda Bynes is weirdly obsessed with Drake. So much unrequited love. So many arrows pointing in only one direction. Now all we need is for Drake Bell to profess his love for Amanda Bynes, and we have a perfect web of tragic romance. Unfortunately, Drake Bell has remained strangely quiet during this whole situation. Is he trying to hide something? Let’s face it. He probably had a crush on Amanda in their days on The Amanda Show. You can’t deny the chemistry they had when she was hitting him in the head with a frying pan.
And what makes this story even more interesting? Rosie is a lesbian. And Drake Bell is not a woman (although that would make the story even more interesting). I mean… what is that about?
I need Lifetime to make a movie about this. Pronto. It can be called something alliterative and dramatic, like Tragic Twitter Tenderness. Just brainstorming here.