If you are just tuning in to the world, Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s child. And Kim’s gotten a lot of flack for lookingâ€¦ well, pregnant. So much so that sheâ€™s now going to extreme measures to look less pregnant.
Before I go any further, I want to say lady-haters and body-shamers, there’s nothing to see here. You can go back to Googling “celebrities with cellulite” because I’m not here to make Kim feel worse about herself. Do that on your own time. Or maybe don’t? I don’t know. Weird thought.
I am here to tell you, Kim, that you don’t have to do this. It’s like when your boyfriend has the Empire State Building spell “I Love You” with the office lights whilst blasting “Endless Love” from the top, but all you really wanted was to spend a little more quality time with him.
Now, I donâ€™t know if any of the readers have worn Spanx before on an un-pregnant body, but they are terrible. Thereâ€™s always a moment in the be-Spanxing of your body that the very small waist band is somewhere lower than where it will ultimately land and it squeezes you so tight you look like youâ€™re prepping to be turned into a balloon animal. It is a painful experience both physically and emotionally. Mostly emotionally.
I cannot imagine what this feels like on a six-month pregnant body.
Kimmy, Kim, Kim. Please stop doing this to yourself. Donâ€™t listen to the rest of the world claiming you should somehow stay thin and carry a baby inside you at the same time. Those are the same people who let the Shake Weight become a thing and discontinued the Shamrock Shake except for a few days out of the year. What do they know??
I realize all my examples are shake related. And you know what? Iâ€™m going to make that relevant.
Here I go.
Stay with me nowâ€¦
Youâ€™ve got to SHAKE the feeling that you need to be anything but comfortable right now. I know what it feels like to squeeze into an article of clothing. We all do. Itâ€™s called the spring and that article of clothing is called a sundress and when did Cinderellaâ€™s mice come and take in all your clothing by an inch or two.
Now, Kim. You said during your appearance on Good Morning America, â€śMy theory is happy mommy, happy baby, so whatever makes me feel good, I wanna wear.â€ť Great. Good start. Really great. But I just canâ€™t imagine that a leather dress with Spanx underneath can make anyone feel good.
Doesn’t Kanye have some dress shirts that you can fashion into maternity wear that are both flowy and cute at the same time? I mean, I can totally see Kanye being the type that’s totally fastidious about his wardrobe and wants things just so. In which case I think you can afford your own men’s shirt and ironic letterman’s jacket.
I don’t know why I just put you in that outfit, but it looks super cute in my head.