So Lena Dunham posted a picture of her wee tiny childhood self to Instagram recently, and it’s been picked up by a lot of news outlets who can’t believe how cute she looks. You know, cause most little kids are such monstrosities, or else look exactly the same in adulthood as they looked when they were seven years old. So anyway, it’s been posted a lot of places, but what I haven’t seen posted is the letter that little kid Lena Dunham wrote to 2013 Lena Dunham. This could be because I wrote it up myself and it’s complete fiction, or it could be because today’s media is woefully lacking in journalistic investigatory skills. Your call.
Dear Future Lena,
How are you? I am ten. I hope you are still precocious and that more people read your journal now and that the eyes of the world are on you. I have an idea that you should put your journal on the television but then again you already know that because you had the same idea yourself but maybe you forgot it so I’m glad I wrote it down.
I hope you have a boyfriend now and that he loves you for you and as a woman and that you are exactly as promiscuous as you want to be because I’ve kissed two boys at camp and it’s a Wednesday and I’m alive.
As you may remember, my favorite things are eating sandwiches on the toilet and being naked in the boat when I go canoeing. I am usually by myself at this camp because no one understands my vast and myriad problems like what if I ate a spider in my sleep last night and it calls to other spiders from my stomach and I eat them too when I’m asleep but is it really eating if you don’t chew?
Gotta finish up this letter and call mom and dad now to ask them to come pick me up so they can answer that important question and see if my foot is broken even though I know it definitely is because it hurts to walk but only when I’m not on my way somewhere to eat an ice pop. My parents are in the Caribbean looking at art but they will not mind coming back early because I am their only daughter and I am very special.
I hope everything is good and that you enjoyed this letter and that you’re famous in a trendy underground way. Maybe for being the first lady president or else being naked the most out of anyone. Write back soon even though I know you can’t.
Sincerely yours in summer camp clamor,