Jon Hamm Is Surprisingly Mad At Us For Talking About His Penis

Jon Hamm Rolling Stone cover March 2013You remember Jon Hamm‘s penis, right guys? Crushable introduced you two this past fall? He was wearing those brownish plaid shorts, and you were wearing whatever it is you wear when you sit at your computer and troll for pictures of celebrity penises on the internet. Probably something from Anthropologie. Anyway, that was his coming-out party, and we’ve all been talking about him non-stop since then (remember when he endorsed Obama for president? good times!), but sit down for a second, because I have some really weird news about him to report. He’s…seeing someone now. His name is Jon Hamm, and they’re getting pretty attached. Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen them apart, but it never occurred to me until now that they might have opinions about each other. I’ve never heard JHP give a single interview about JH, but I’ll be damned if Jon didn’t speak his mind about all the limelight his little big friend has been receiving lately in an interview with Rolling Stone. And guys…he’s surprisingly pissed.

“Most of it’s tongue-in-cheek but it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have – a prurience.”

Ooh nice try, Jon Hamm, trying to throw me off the scent with an SAT word. But I have a college degree, just like your penis, and I know that ‘prurience’ means ‘having or characterized by lascivious or lustful thoughts or desires’. Uh, yeah. Sounds about right. Carry on!

“They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal…But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”

Know how I can tell Jon Hamm is angry? Because he’s using words like ‘fuck’ and pejoratives like ‘cock’. That’s an antiquated word that’s taken on kind of a different meaning in today’s society, and you’re really only supposed to say it if you’re a…cock yourself. I mean I don’t know, I’m not really up to date on my colloquial terms, I don’t want to offend anyone. But I usually refer to them as Penis-Americans, just to be safe.

But either way, sorry for partying, Jon Hamm. If it makes you feel better, this particular site has only written…four articles about your man bits since September 2012. Or…five. If you count this one. Which you SHOULD, because it’s journalism. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work.

(Image: Rolling Stone)

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    • Arlene S.

      Well, there’s always Michael Fassbender and his bulge, Alexis. If JH doesn’t want the Tumblr account, surely Fassbender’s will gladly accept. ;) Michael Fassbender is way hotter and more talented anyway.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I accept all comers! Pun absolutely intended.

      • Arlene S.

        Please go do yourself a favor watch Fassbender in Shame. No convincing you afterwards. Just the first 10-15 minutes alone. =)

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Haha, I’m sold!

      • Paul Davies

        You don’t think your being a bit sly I mean as a conservative woman you wouldn’t like the newspapers writing articles about your vulva or your cameltoe.

    • ICFashionChic

      HAHAHAHAHA I had no idea this was a thing. But I think that his anger has some merit. A lot of female stars didn’t take too kindly to the “We Saw Your Boobs” skit at the Oscars for the same reason. No one likes to be objectified.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I totally see the merit behind it, I was just surprised by how vehement he was!

      • ICFashionChic

        That’s true…his uncouth outburst is a little less than becoming.

      • Madame X

        No one likes to be objectified, sure. But culturally, it is like saying that racism against white people is a thing. When it happens to you, it does feel awful. But culturally, institutionally, it does not have the power to define your identity in society the same way it does for an actual minority. Women are forced to have their identity defined by the culturally sanctioned sexism that makes it seem mandatory for an actress to bare her breasts, whereas we all joke about Jon’s Hamm but it doesn’t diminish him as a man, or define his identity.

    • Madison

      This makes my heart sad… I thought he (they) had a better sense of humor than this. Also, prurience… really?

      • Alexis Rhiannon


      • Madison

        I was as impressed by your knowledge of the definition of prurience (it was definitely lost on me) as I am with JHP itself! (That’s VERY impressed!)

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I love me some for vocab brush-ups!

    • Sandy

      Wear underwear, case closed

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Agreed, Detective Sandy. Thank you for your testimony.

      • Arlene S.


    • Gypsum0

      “JHP” I love acronyms and this article. Very, very funny.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Thanks so much!

    • Madame X

      You are so concerned with your body being objectified, Jon Hamm, and yet you star in a show in which doing exactly that to the actresses is its bread and butter.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Boom, roasted.

    • Linda Ellis

      He really should wear underwear, for his own sake.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I mean shouldn’t we all??

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