You remember Jon Hamm‘s penis, right guys? Crushable introduced you two this past fall? He was wearing those brownish plaid shorts, and you were wearing whatever it is you wear when you sit at your computer and troll for pictures of celebrity penises on the internet. Probably something from Anthropologie. Anyway, that was his coming-out party, and we’ve all been talking about him non-stop since then (remember when he endorsed Obama for president? good times!), but sit down for a second, because I have some really weird news about him to report. He’s…seeing someone now. His name is Jon Hamm, and they’re getting pretty attached. Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen them apart, but it never occurred to me until now that they might have opinions about each other. I’ve never heard JHP give a single interview about JH, but I’ll be damned if Jon didn’t speak his mind about all the limelight his
little big friend has been receiving lately in an interview with Rolling Stone. And guys…he’s surprisingly pissed.
“Most of it’s tongue-in-cheek but it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have – a prurience.”
Ooh nice try, Jon Hamm, trying to throw me off the scent with an SAT word. But I have a college degree, just like your penis, and I know that ‘prurience’ means ‘having or characterized by lascivious or lustful thoughts or desires’. Uh, yeah. Sounds about right. Carry on!
“They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal…But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”
Know how I can tell Jon Hamm is angry? Because he’s using words like ‘fuck’ and pejoratives like ‘cock’. That’s an antiquated word that’s taken on kind of a different meaning in today’s society, and you’re really only supposed to say it if you’re a…cock yourself. I mean I don’t know, I’m not really up to date on my colloquial terms, I don’t want to offend anyone. But I usually refer to them as Penis-Americans, just to be safe.
But either way, sorry for partying, Jon Hamm. If it makes you feel better, this particular site has only written…four articles about your man bits since September 2012. Or…five. If you count this one. Which you SHOULD, because it’s journalism. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work.
(Image: Rolling Stone)