• Mon, Mar 25 2013

There’s A New Jonas Brothers Sex Tape…I Mean Album Coming Out

The Jonas Brothers at The Jingle Ball December 2012So turns out there’s a new sex tape distraction…I mean Jonas Brothers album coming out next month, you guys. It’s called ‘Pom Poms’ and it’s due April 9th. Wow, April 9th, huh? That’s really soon! I can’t believe the first we’re hearing of this is at the end of March.

Pom Poms Jonas Brothers album coverI mean, it’s my job to be up-to-date on the news and the celebrity goings-on, and even I hadn’t heard that there was any new music in the pipeline. How suspicious. This couldn’t have anything to do with the rumored Joe Jonas sex tape that’s allegedly dropping on April 3rd, could it? I feel like that news (or rumor, at least) broke last week, and every member of Team Jonas stopped, dropped, and rolled. Which, in the Jonas camp, looks a lot like this:

Jonas Employee 1: Oh, oh no. Oh no no no no no. There’s a Blind Gossip report that Blanda Eggenschwiler taped herself and Joe in an…intimate situation.

Jonas Employee 2: Blast! How bad is it? How intimate?

Jonas Employee 1: Well, apparently you see the piddle parts…and the milk cartons…and the lady lips –

Jonas Employee 2: Oh dagnabbit, fudge the rules, this is an emergency! You can use the real words for once, even though it’s on Jonas company property.

Jonas Employee 1: S-s-s-sex. They had sex, sir. On tape, is the rumor. Ball gags, paddles, drugs…it’s bad.

Jonas Employee 2: Sweet merciful Merlin. We have to counter-attack! Get the legal team sending emails to anyone who runs the story, and we’re gonna put out the album. We have to deflect some of this bad press.

Jonas Employee 1: The album, sir? What album? All we have are some first takes on a couple early drafts of songs! Are you really suggesting that we –

Jonas Employee 2: Don’t toy with me, boy! Get those pesky JoBros to the studio and tell them they can’t leave until we have an album, by hook or by crook! We’ll release the announcement as soon as we find a picture for the album cover, and they can cut tracks until 2pm on April 7th.

Jonas Employee 1: But sir, the album cover — the album name! We have nothing! What should they be?

Jonas Employee 2: Just…do we have any pictures of of a random guy blowing a whistle? Just pull a hat halfway down his face covering his eyes and throw that on the cover, and call it ‘Pom Poms’, for all I care.

Jonas Employee 1: But sir, that’s a terrible –

Jonas Employee 2: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU CRETIN, I NEED TO FINISH MY BUBBLE BATH!

And that’s how you get an album out in a little over two weeks, just a few days after this alleged sex tape is supposed to premiere. It’s a race to the finish…which may or may not be a line from the tape.

(Image: FayesVision / WENN.com)

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  • Tara

    They’ve been working on this album for months

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      This month? Like the month of March?

    • Tara

      Since like September 2012 if you look back at their tweets.

  • lola

    I’m Jonas fan but i couldn’t help to laugh
    This article is hilarious

  • http://twitter.com/ferraretojade Jade Ferrareto

    OMG that was HILARIOUS! I’m a Jonas fan but I had already imagined two theories about the sex tape vs. new album: either there really is a tape and the rumour led all the Jonas crew to finish this single ASAP and release a preview of it for the fans to focus on the music, or this was a rumour they created to have all the media’s attention again so that their new release could be seen. Either way, I really hope this sex tape exists and gets leaked on April, 3rd lol

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Thanks Jade! I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m hoping we get to see the tape, too. Because I’m a bad person.

  • Mollie Rose

    I just laughed a lot harder than I should have!! I’m a Jonas fan but this was just beyond hilarious!! They have been working on music for a while now but it’s been very on and off for the last year or so.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Haha, thank you Mollie! If they’ve been working on it for that long, I hope it’s really good. But I feel like they definitely rushed it out on account of the sex tape!