Everyone’s on the edge of their seats waiting to see good girl Selena Gomez go bad in her breakout film role Spring Breakers this very weekend. After months of being teased with salacious bikini photos and scandalous on-set stories about snorting Vitamin B, America’s chomping at the bit at the mere prospect of seeing the wizard officially leave Waverly Place. (That’s just a little Disney humor for you!)
And that’s understandable. There’s nothing more emotional for us as a country than watching a Disney star come to age by doing something hypersexual. It’s like watching a caterpillar push its little legs through its cocoon and burst out as a beautiful butterfly. A beautifully fragile butterfly who’s trying to get everyone’s attention by wearing low-cut shirts and saying sexually provocative things on Twitter. Every time it happens I let out a silent “thank you” to the gods and softly chant “Circle of Life” under my breath. This is what it’s all about. From a child star to a former child star with a sex tape. Where would countdown shows on VH1 be without these sacred life moments?
Sadly for all the adults waiting to welcome Selena into their open arms, this will not be the movie that earns the star her official “I’m Like Seriously Not A Disney Stay Anymore Guys” membership card. Even though she’s spent ample time marketing herself as a girl gone wild in this role, she hasn’t gone anywhere. Well besides a film set where other girls go wild.
Selena plays Faith, a semi-devout Christian student who’s bored with her life. We know she’s bored because she’s only half-singing the songs at during Christian Circle Time. Sure she’s clapping, but in a robotic way that doesn’t make me think that she’s really praising Jesus. No way those half-ass claps are getting to God’s ears.
Rather than attending a club fair or joining an intramural sports team or even just switching up her Facebook profile photo with a fun candid, she decides to go on spring break with Candy (Vanessa Hudgens), Brit (Ashley Benson) and Cotty (Rachel Korine), her three craaaazzzzzzy friends. Friends so crazy that it’s hard to understand why Faith would ever agree to anywhere with them. Let alone on a spring break trip that’s only feasible after the three crazies rob a local restaurant with fake guns. But I guess we’ve all made poor choices when we’re bored. It’s just that our poor choices don’t usually lead to a courtroom where we’re standing in front of a judge wearing not but bikinis as he tells us we’re going to jail.
As crazy as Candy, Brit and Cotty are — and they’re crazy, like lock ‘em up sociopathic crazy — Faith never really does anything that scandalous. Yes, she takes a bong hit and yes she drinks. But she doesn’t ever go topless or do lines of coke off of a topless girl or have a threesome in a drug dealer’s pool with two topless girls. No, she actually goes home before any of the really crazy shit happens. Just gets on a bus mid-movie and disappears. Forever. Bye bye Selena! Have fun dancing to Taylor Swift in your pajamas, or whatever it is that you do during your off time.
While I suppose it may be shocking for her Disney fans to see her hanging out with people who do drugs and drink alcohol, it’s not that scandalous for a Disney star’s breakout role. Vanessa Hudgens “accidentally” sent her naked photos to the world, Miley Cyrus got “caught” doing salvia and Demi Lovato punched someone in the face. Sorry I’m not sorry by not being blown away by a little underage drinking.
Sure there’s still plenty of time for Selena’s computer to get “hacked” before she turns 21, but still, she could’ve really made the transition a little bit smoother by sticking around a little longer in Spring Breakers. We’d finally have a Disney star who managed to make the move to being an adult without having to have their PR team issue an apology to her fans the next day.
(Photo: High Snobiety)