The Rachel Zoe Project: Escalators And Carousels And Chicken Pox, I Die!

Where do I even start with this newest episode of The Rachel Zoe Project (Season 5, Episode 3)? Hold on a sec, I need to put on my fur anti-stress hat to prepare myself. Now let’s unpack this week’s chic entertainment. There are seven suitcases full of it.

Actually, that’s just the number of suitcases Rachel Zoe needs to bring with her to Paris Fashion Week. The operative word in that phrase is “week,” as in seven days, as in one suitcase for every day, like day-of-the-week underwear. Except God apparently doesn’t ban a Sunday suitcase. When you think about it, it makes total sense that Rachel would need so many suitcases. How else is she supposed to fit her designer hat and her stylist hat? They’re very big hats, I’ve heard. They seem to be invisible though, since I’ve never actually seen them on Rachel’s head.

When Rodger and Rachel arrive in Paris, Rachel has mysteriously lost her voice. It appears to have been the miraculous result of a collective French endeavor to avoid hearing about how everything “is everything” every five seconds.

Speaking of not wanting to hear Rachel Zoe, I would like an explanation for why The Rachel Zoe Project‘s ratings on Bravo have apparently dropped significantly since the first episode of the season. I think last night’s episode is likely to change a lot of those Zoe deserters’ minds, if they take the time to watch it after the fact. Because last night was literally the most entertaining thing I’ve ever watched. And I’m of course using “literally” in the Rachel Zoe manner, so… do with that what you will.

The everythingness started with the Louis Vuitton show. It was notable not only for the fact that she talked about her bangs again (we’re three for three this season) with Marc Jacobs, but also because Rachel could hardly even talk about it afterward. And not just because the French pulled an Ursula the Sea Witch on her voice. Those escalators that factored into the show were just too much for Rachel. After the label’s previous carousel show, Rachel thought, “Where do you go from there?” The answer? “To escalators.” It would be a mistake to bring Rachel to my local mall, which includes a carousel and many escalators. I think Rachel would literally die. And I don’t mean that in the Rachel sense of the phrase. I mean she would literally die from shock.

Speaking of carousels, Rachel doesn’t like those at all. In her words, they are just “like … blegh.” Unfortunately her son Skyler wants to ride the “neigh neigh” (the horse, in case you don’t speak the language of adorable children), so Rachel is forced to climb onto the carousel in her sky-high stilettos and hold on for dear life on the French carousel of terrors. She desperately cries, “Carousel man … can we stop?!” I think the carousel man might have been her former assistant Taylor in a disguise, maniacally pulling the carousel lever to make it spin out of control.

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, Mandarin Marmalade Mandy Moore Mandana is faced with the task of getting the most glamorous samples from Rachel’s collection over to Paris STAT, because the French might not like to hear Rachel’s voice, but they’re likely the only ones who will wear her sequin maxi dresses in their everyday lives.

Oh and did I somehow forget to mention that Rodger might be walking around Paris this entire time with chicken pox? And you know what they say about chicken pox. If you’ve had it, the shingles virus IS ALREADY INSIDE YOU. So not only is he exposing the French to his pox, but he’s well on his way to getting shingles. Not good, Rodger.

When Rachel isn’t talking about how much she loves every designer she runs into (I don’t think she’s ever met a designer she didn’t like, ever), she’s giving us some of her usual pearls of wisdom. For instance, Rachel hopes that one day she’ll be able to tell a young fashion talent that she’s been in the industry for 40 years, and it’s time to pass on the torch: “I’d be like 80… or 60… I can’t add.” Which is it, Rachel? You’re only as old as you can add. Or something like that.

And finally, after air-kissing her designs at French store Montaigne Market, Rachel gives us this classic: “If you don’t come here, you come nowhere.” I think the store is translating that into French and stenciling it on the side of the building as we speak. They will attribute it to “Furry Lady With Bug Eyes,” also known as Rachel Zoe in a fur coat with sunglasses on, which is pretty much her permanent state.

(Photo: Bravo)