• Thu, Mar 21 2013

After Seeing These Photos, I Need To Know Who Gave Perez Hilton A Baby

Perez Hilton Underwear Baby Bathtub

I will never forget where I was when I found out that someone gave Perez Hilton a living, breathing baby. I think the world let out a collective, “really…him?” when the news came out a few weeks ago. Sure Perez Hilton’s grown up a lot since the days when he drew all over young celebrities bodies. But he did a lot of damage in his heyday. So much that I question what kind of parent he’ll be. Or how he’ll even explain his existence to a child one day.

“Oh, you want to know how we afford this private school sweetheart? You can thank Microsoft Paint for that. Oh and that cokewhore Lindsay Lohan. Lolsies. I love you. Don’t forget your lunch. Also, only eat half. I’d hate to see you get fat. MWAH!”

These new photos don’t make me feel any better about him raising a child. What exactly was his thought process while taking these photos? Did it start out with his infant needing a bath? And he realized that he needed a bath too. As well as a new Facebook photo. And heck, his nanny looked bored. Why not have her take a few photos. A few nice family photos to share on the internet.

Perez Hilton Baby Kissing Bathtub

Or perhaps he read a message in an online parenting forum on how to scar your children for life. And he thought, “this is amateur hour, wait ’till these asshole see how you really do it!”
Perez Hilton Bathtub Baby Jesus

Or maybe he truly believes himself to be Jesus. And his baby to be sinful. Which made the baby’s baptism very necessary  Right away. No need to waste. And no time to put pants on. If this baby was to be saved, it had to be done in this very moment. Quickly, fill the tub!!!

I don’t know which scenario is the best one. All I know is that he’s already making poor parenting choices and it’s been like approximately 20 or so days. So good luck to that kid! I can’t wait to read the tell-all book in 18 years. I’m sure it will be full of delightful stories about being raised by Perez Hilton. And by delightful, I mean I hope I”m still working in celebrity blogging then because that will be a posting bonanza.

(Photos: Perez Hilton via Buzzfeed)

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  • aileen_t

    Lots of parents take baths with there their babies. The kid looked worried though.

    • http://www.facebook.com/maryellen.hennessy.3 Mary Ellen Hennessy

      haha I was gonna say he did look a little but unsure

  • Amelia

    So by condemning Perez for his past (because you know, people are begged to change and then not allowed to when they do), you’re essentially taking on his old persona. You’re a hypocrite.

  • WTF?

    That’s so messed up. I agree with Amelia, that’s completely hypocritical of you. To not even be happy for someone’s new baby? Are you serious? You clearly have issues, yourself. Perez made a huge turnaround and I think his journey should be used as an example. Your negativity is really no match for his personal growth in recent years.

  • xoxoemily

    If we were all judged by our pasts none of America would have gotten very far. Just like any new parent HE IS LEARNNG!

  • Derp

    Don’t be a dipshit. It’s totally normal to take a bath with your baby… they love it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/maryellen.hennessy.3 Mary Ellen Hennessy

      I agree with what you’re saying, but I just feel like the pictures are a little awkward to be posting, but maybe it’s just me.

    • Jenni

      And take photos that you post online?

  • rarespawn

    Yeah, I think this article is a little overboard… He isn’t being any worse than any other new parent on facebook! At least he didn’t share pictures of the birth!! Perez made his mistakes in the past. I’ve made plenty of my own, as I’m sure we all have. Who are we to hold it over him?

    • Jenni

      Don’t be so sure about that whole mistake thing. I know that I personally have never made any.

  • NotImpressed

    Your arguments make absolutely no sense. This is ridiculous. You should be ashamed of how you so freely judge someone.
    Shame on you.

    • Jenni

      Exactly how much shame on me? I want to measure correctly.

    • Bichon Wheels

      Because Perez has never judged anyone. Ever. You’re new to the Internet, aren’t you? Welcome! If you have any questions, feel free to ask…Perez.

  • Lauren

    Oh please y’all there is a way to look cute in the bathtub with your baby and this isn’t one of them. This looks a little creepy and the poor baby looks scared!

  • ronalsk

    Herman Munster is still alive???

  • wtheeeckkkk

    This is disturbing. WTH is wrong with him. I’m all for baby pictures.. but that doesn’t look right. WEIRDO

  • http://twitter.com/cassyhough Cassandra Hough

    I’m not creeped out by a parent bathing with their newborn. But i am creeped out by a new dad in designer briefs posing to show off his abs and his baby at the same time. Lets not pretend this photo was taken in any sort of “natural habitat,” mmmmk?

    • Amelia

      Crushable just decided to use only these pics. The rest of his album actually has TONS MORE pics, all clothed and cute.

    • http://twitter.com/cassyhough Cassandra Hough

      And still unnatural. Weird.

  • Bichon Wheels

    As an adoptee, I don’t know or care about the circumstances of Mario’s infant son. I just know HE himself did not give birth to the little boy (who is a cutie BTW). That being said, I am also a parent of 3 children (2 biological, 1 adopted). This is why we can’t have nice things people. Our society is cool with some folks purchasing children as though they are accessories. I can’t think of a single instance where I thought staging a bathroom photo shoot was A) necessary or B) necessary AND needed to be shared with the world. I know, I’m a weirdo but then I’ve never drawn a peen in Microsoft Paint either. Also never called someone a f*g, got knocked the eff out and then took to the interwebs in a tearful plea for well-deserved, ummm, sympathy? Clearly, I need to reevaluate my life, my successes and failures as a parent and get that bucket list updated ASAP. I just hope my sons 24, 17 and 16 don’t find it awks to strip down and hop in the tub with me.

    • Amelia

      This is his biological son. He had a surrogate.

  • FishsticksForMe

    Anyone who thinks that Hilton has changed is a moron. He still draws hearts on the crotches of straights, he fantasizes about boy bands, he obsesses over his imaginary boyfriends, he posts pics of vaginas and dicks. This baby is nothing more than another prop to feed his massive ego, he’s always looking for validation and compliments. This kid is going to be so screwed up wondering why there’s pictures of shirtless boys around the house. Yeah, nothing creepy about these photos, lol. He holds the kid like he holds his dog.

    • Meg

      Who doesn’t do any of those things? LOL

  • Are you Kidding

    Karma will come back at him. There are people who deserve to be a parent and he’s not one of them. Biological or not, he’s a creep, racist, self -centered bully who now whats love and kindness…. he deserves karma

  • Guest

    What a selfish ogre! This is wrong on so many levels. I guess he’s lucky that children don’t choose their parents!

  • http://www.facebook.com/rob.dekoch Rob Dekoch

    Did someone give him a baby or is this an after photo taken right after he gave birth to it? Is he in a birthing pool?

  • A Meggles McCat

    I feel like a lot of you are just looking for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to bitch about simply because it’s Perez. What parent doesn’t end up with bathtime cutesy photos? All these facebook moms on my feed definitely have like 600 THOUSAND of them. These pictures are cute. Why spoil it? Just be happy that child found a home and it’s gonna be rich and spoiled out of its rotten mind. That’s a lucky baby and a happy father.