Julianne Hough Broke Up With Ryan Seacrest Because He’s A Robot, Also Still Has That Frosted Tips Vibe

Ryan Seacrest Julianne Hough Shopping 12-22-2012

In news that stopped no one from going about their day, Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest broke up this weekend. We covered this in-depth on Crushable because we totally thought they would stick together long enough for Julianne Hough to get at least one more horrible movie under her belt. Sure, sure, sure Rock of Ages and Safe Haven were bad. But she had a feeling that she could make something even more offensive to the general viewing audience. As well as a feeling that her boyfriend knew the right people to connect her to the right movie that would help her make her most wrongly cast film yet! Hey, just because it’s 2013 and just because we talk in hashtags doesn’t mean a girl can’t dream.

But as much as she wanted that movie to happen, she also wanted Ryan to stop working so much. According to Us Weekly, all he did was work, work work. Taking a break only to stare at his reflection in the mirror and gain charisma points.

Seacrest’s dedication to his work may be a good thing now, as he tries to take his mind off Hough, but sources say it’s at least partly to blame for the couple’s split. “It’s a lifestyle she couldn’t handle anymore,” a pal told Us Weekly of the Safe Haven actress, 24. “Work always, always came first [for Ryan]. She wants a more low-key life.” ”Dude works all the time,” the insider explained. “He never sleeps.”

You see, Julianne Hough survives on two things and two things only. Perk and attention. And while she could supply plenty of her own perk, she could not fulfill her own need for attention. At least not enough to keep that wide-eyed stare as wide-eyed as she needed it.

Was it so much to ask that her boyfriend come home a littler earlier some nights and stare into her eyes and whisper sweet-casting-news-nothings into her ear? No, no it wasn’t. So one night, while she sat awake waiting for him to come home, she googled “how is it possible that my boyfriend works so hard?” While she expected the results to be enlightening, she had no idea just how much she was about to learn. About Ryan. About life. About Everything.

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A ROBOT

The computer screen read.

“A robot?” Julianne wondered aloud, “that explains the perfectly coiffed hair and the perfectly white teeth, but not his condescending demeanor toward B-List celebrities on the red carpet. No, there’s no way I’ve dated a robot for all these years and haven’t noticed.”

She typed another question into the search bar.

YES, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS THE COULD-CARE-LESS APP INSTALLED. IT GENERALLY MAKES ROBOTS  SLIGHTLY OFF-PUTTING AS WELL AS CAPABLE OF CREATING CREATURES KNOWN AS KARDASHIANS.

“Well, I’ll be,” said Julianne, “that explains everything. Well not everything, but certainly why he never ever cracked a smile when he told her that he needed to be alone for a few hours to recharge. Why, that even explains that on switch that the E! people always press right before celebrities start walking down the red carpet.”

(Photo: Vanessa Pacheco, PacificCoastNews.com)

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    • Alexis Rhiannon

      If you had as much money as Ryan Seacrest, god would send the sun to frost YOUR tips, too.

    • Cori

      Is that a Sims reference I spy?

      • Jenni

        Yes! You can’t go anywhere in life with charisma points.

      • Jenni

        *without!

    • http://twitter.com/joymc49 Joy McBride

      This is a very nasty post! I for one do not appreciate it! There is no reason to talk about Ryan and Julianne like this. They are both very wonderful, caring people. I have enjoyed all of Juliannes movies. Safe Haven was my favorite and she did a wonderful job in it. Why don’t you people just leave them alone and let them live their lives?