I can’t be the only one who’s starting to think that Lindsay Lohan’s latest court drama sounds kind of like it was inspired by my dreams. First Lindsay gets off her scheduled flight and takes a private plane belonging to a beverage company called Mr. Pink. I’m imagining a Willy Wonka-esque slushie bar inside that plane. And Mr. Pink walks out with his cane and his top hat and starts singing about how you can have any flavor slushie your little heart desires. That’s the kind of plane I want to take me to my court appearances, or anywhere, really.
Now that Lindsay has been sentenced to 90 days in locked rehab for
Liz & Dick lying to police about her car crash last year (Read our timeline of LiLo’s criminal history here to keep it all straight), I’m finding out that this sentence might not be as scary as it sounds.
E! Online is helping us better understand LiLo’s sentence by answering a Twitter question about whether this rehab will be different from other rehab facilities without lockdown. And the answer might surprise you, slash make you want to throw something across the room:
“The death of a family member, or a medical necessity—those would constitute exceptions,” says star criminal defense attorney David Diamond. “And if she reports to certain privately run facilities such as Promises, she wouldn’t be totally locked down.
“You can walk from your suite to pool and from the pool to omelette bar and back to your room.”
That’s right. Pool. Omelette bar. What’s that? Oh, just the sound of thousands of regular, law-abiding human beings lining up to get locked away in Omelette Jail. Because that’s basically what this is. Not being able to escape a place that feeds you omelettes and probably lets you eat them by the pool wouldn’t exactly make me want to reenact Prison Break. They’d probably have to drag me kicking and screaming, bits of cheesy omelette flying out of my mouth, to get me to leave that place.
E! is quick to remind us angry law-abiders that Lindsay will probably have to pay for this omelette pool party prison, and it wouldn’t exactly be cheap, unless she decides to go with a place run by the county, which is closer to real, omelette-free jail. But something tells me Lindsay will end up in the $30,000/month facility, even if Charlie Sheen has to pay for it and make the omelettes himself.
Apparently Lindsay is already ashamed of her impending breakfast-for-dinner activities, because she turned herself into a blanket yesterday to avoid the paparazzi.