Hi! Good morning! Now that you’re up and we’re all at work, let me paint a desolate picture of celebrities who fell off the face of the earth for you. Sometimes you’re a Hollywood starlet, or a Hollywood starlo (listen, I don’t discriminate), and you’re going through your life being super famous and doing every movie ever and you’re the next big thing…and then all of a sudden you’re gone. Vanooshed. Ghosted. The bounce is gone from your bungee. Sure, you do a couple little parts here and there, and maybe you show up on red carpets, but you’re nowhere near the force that everybody mentally decided you would be. It happens more than you think, when you really start to ponder it, and we here at Crushable would like to shed some light on this epidemic. So don’t worry, we’re on the case. We’re gonna unearth these buried gems, tell you what they are or aren’t up to now, and then polish them back down into the forgotten moon rocks that they’ve decided to be.
1. Rachel McAdams. This is probably the most tragic of the disappearing acts I’ll be recounting today. But remember when Rachel was like THE NEW THING? She did Mean Girls, she was dating Ryan Effing Gosling, she was in every movie ever and oh-so-very-much-more beautiful and talented than my eyes could even imagine. And now where is she? Doing the occasional movie like The Vow where she’s tragically eclipsed by the hunk of man meat that is Channing Tatum? To be fair, Wikipedia informs me that she has four projects coming out later in 2013, but THAT IS NOT NOW and I rest my case.
2. Julia Roberts. The original ghost. She taught Casper how to do it, ya’ll. She was arguably the most famous actress in the world, and then she married Danny Moder, a cameraman from her film The Mexican and went completely off the radar, by her own choice. She now lives in Taos, New Mexico, where even the names of her kids detail her fall from celebrity: her twins, born in 2004, are named Hazel and Phinnaeus. Total celebrity names, super trendy to have twins. And then in 2007 she had another son…Henry. Need I say more?
3. Renee Zellweger. When you really think about it, when was the last time you saw that little face squinch itself up on your television? I remember it clearly from Bridget Jones’ Diary and Chicago, but after that it gets a little hazy. I mean, this lady has an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for Cold Mountain, and she followed it up with New In Town. Yowzers.
4. Freddie Prinze, Jr.! My original crush! Another actor who Disapparated out of 90s teen movies to go be an adorable couple and make adorable babies with his wife Sarah Michelle Gellar. And this one’s actually a two-for-one, because SMG also did a pretty thorough disappearing act on us. I’m sure your children Charlotte and Rocky are the best things ever, but I miss my daydreams, y’know?
5. Rachael Leigh Cook, I forgot about you! Did Freddie take you down with the ship?! You were in She’s All That with him, and on a lot of magazine covers, if I recall correctly, and then poof! Gone off the face of the earth! As if you’d never worn that falafel costume at all, and I just imagined it.
6. Cuba Gooding, Jr. Aw man, another junior! Freddie Prinze’s influence is crazy strong! In case you haven’t been keeping track, he pulled himself, RLC, SMG, and now CGJ out of the limelight and into obscurity just by the force of his own domesticity. Impressive. But Cuba was really in it, too. This is another actor who has an Academy Award (for Jerry Maguire) with whacky follow-up (two Razzie nominations in the same year, for Norbit and Daddy Day Camp). Keep up the excellent work, buddy.
7. Adrien Brody. Hey! You have an Oscar too! For The Pianist, back in 2002! Where’d you go?!? And you kissed Halle Berry! You coulda been somebody!
8. Jessica Alba. Now granted, you haven’t disappeared from the real world, only the acting world. You still show your ridiculously beautiful face on every red carpet you can get your feet on. Pretty much if something red hits the ground, you’re already standing on it. But I’ll give you ten bucks if you can name on of your own movies that you’ve done since 2008. You have five seconds. Can’t do it, can you? Well that’s okay, your kids Honor and Haven are adorable, and they still have suitably celebrity-esque names, so carry on.
9. Mischa Barton. Oh how the mighty have…drunk themselves into obscurity. I don’t have proof on that, but based on the number of times I’ve seen pictures of her bleary-eyed at Coachella, I have my suspicions. She was poised to be the new ‘it girl’ after The O.C., but then WHOMP. The end of the earth swallowed her up and still hasn’t spit her out.
10. Topher Grace. Aw, remember Topher? He was the go-to quirky guy for a little bit. If you saw him in a movie, you knew that the much-prettier female lead was gonna dither about for an hour and thirty-five minutes and then end up with him just before the final credits. Good for you, buddy, holding it down the now-obscure good guys.
And that’s them! I hope you’ve enjoyed this walk down memory lane! I’ve strangely forgotten where I started with, or how I got here, and why there’s no one famous around me.
(Image: Anthony Dixon / WENN.com)