Girls Is Terrible, And Such Small Portions: A Hollywood Ending, Brooklyn Style

I don’t know if I was having a stress-induced hallucination last night while watching Girls (because my e-book is due like TONIGHT and I’ve been too busy piercing my eardrums with q-tips to even start it) but I think that we reached a place of semi-closure with our characters. Even after Kanye covers and ruptured eardrums and mental meltdowns and topless ping pong, we get stability? That came out of East Bumblefuck… So take that admonition as a spoiler alert, and read no further if you don’t want to kill any surprises. All of our twisted millennial Disney princesses, the dreams that they wished pretty much came true, in certain ways. And it all came out of nowhere. Like literally everyone is generally fine– Marnie, Hannah, Shoshonna, and we think Jessa’s alive somewhere. Because this show is what it is, and the final episode is called Together.

The episode opens on Hannah, come undone. Ears ringing, with massive writers block, googling absurd worries. “How does your body know not to stop breathing? At what age does your body start melting down?” Again, we are reminded of the burden of being in the millennial bard’s head. But the irony! She can’t even get more than a line of text down to send to her editor. David calls her on her phone—which of course has a bunny case—to tell her that he needs those pages on her spooge-tainted self-esteem. And if she doesn’t get ‘em to him like ten minutes ago, he’ll totes sue the pants off of her. Even if she hasn’t put them on in days, he’ll make her care about the loss of these pants.

But out of Hannah’s little agoraphobia pen, people are having the sexy sex! Charlie is going down on Marnie, so we know that the two of them being carnal is now a thing. Meh, what’s on the next neurotic porn channel? Ray is spoon-fucking Shoshonna in a wormlike fashion, and any libido kick we may have accidentally gotten from that cunnilingus scene was just killed. Next channel: Natalia and Adam are going at it, so we are led to believe that his quasi-rapiness last episode didn’t dead their budding relationship.Good for them?But she won’t even let him talk dirty to her, so we know that their tryst is headed for a cliff.

And let’s all remember how uncomfortably buff Hannah’s dad is for a sec. I mean, damn. For an aging professor, he’s got some John Basedow biceps.

Then Charlie and Marnie are enjoying a post oral sex brunch, when Marnie has to go getting all clingy psycho because the the writers hate her character. “We have these experiences so that we can settle down.” Then Charlie’s like “Huh?” And she’s like “We’re old fogies now. We’re dating.” And when he’s like, “Not really.” So she storms out like a grumpy hungry girl who needs attention and a boyfriend to survive. Marnie never fails in her ability to elicit idiot shivers.

Or maybe the writers don’t hate her? Because then she gives him this speech about how she wants to watch Charlie die and have his brown babies. So homegirl might be a bit disappointed when her babies come out white, because Christopher Abbott isn’t even a little bit brown. And he’s like, girl, this is what I’ve always wanted. They kiss, and he admits to having a shit ton of money. So this is her dream, and she’s like, I don’t need to be a singer, I just need to have a wealthy husband who will move me into one of those Edge condos. They can be neighbors with Thomas John! Maybe that’s where Jessa’s hiding out…

And just in case you’ve ever wondered who the owner of Café Grumpy is, it’s Colin Quinn in Moscot glasses. Ray struts back to the office to lay down the law to him. He’s going back to grad school for Latin Studies, which may be like Romulus and Remus latin, or may be Latino Studies. We’re not quite sure. But we know that it won’t bring in enough coin to keep Shoshonna outfitted in purses that look like baguettes. But great serendipity! It turns out that Quinn is opening a second Grumpy with a PIZZA Oven. So that means, like mad ‘sponsibilities and Brooklyn Heights class for Ray.

But even if he has this ambition, there are still some clear irreconcilable differences between him and Shosh. He hates ponies, rainbows and cotton candy everything that gives her floundering early twenty something existence capricious joy. She suggests him getting into therapy so he can change and they can be in love for realsies. And then Ray’s all like, “No YOU need to change. I’m a critical thinker because Latin Studies and Café Grumpy. Me and Andy Kaufman are getting’ the fuck outta dodge.” And Shosh, you’re way better off for it all. Ray was a ball and chain on your dainty little ankle, and you need to go out and slut it up. You’ve earned it.

And as Hannah unravels further, people pass in and out of her apartment. Marnie comes in, claiming to want to help, but she basically loots a menorah and leaves. Or maybe it’s just a regular candelabra, because something tells us Marnie’s not Jewish. But nevertheless, this action makes self-evident the first and only line of Hannah’s book– “A friendship between college girls is grander and more dramatic than any romance.” Because a friend break up is just like a real break up. You may grow together for a while, but before long, your lives diverge and you begin to grow apart. Then before you know it, you’re saying shitty things about each other on voicemail messages and wondering just what the two of you had in common to begin with. Only with the friend breakup, it’s actually sort of impossible to get your menorah back.

Shame Hannah, you know that Jessa isn’t gonna answer the phone. Like, she’d never listen to a voicemail, so if you want to leave a black box message for her, it’s your wasted time. And you totally forgot to download forbid, so you know you’ll just end up accidentally face-timing Adam. You can in fact can do that now, cause he has an iPhone too! If it weren’t for that technology, how would he know just how sorely you needed him? The answer is he wouldn’t. iPhones save relationships. So Adam sprints to Hannah as the music gets all Field of Dreams-y and the wrap-up montage begins.

Shoshonna is out there livin’ her life, making out with a Von Trapp child who also looks like Draco Malfoy’s twin. Marnie and Charlie stroll in connubial bliss around the meatpacking district, because he can afford to bring her out to fancy dinners with his App development riches. And Adam cradles Hannah like a child as the scene fades out. “You’re here” She squeaks, looking up at him like he was exactly what she needed to make the pain go away. He responds. “I was always here.” Dawww… Even when you can’t seem to get all of your shit together, some things fit into the right place? So everything’s fine,and people appear to have gotten what they wanted.

Well, there’s going to be more of this show so obviously not. It’s pretty unsettling how everything is just tied up with a neat little bow after we’ve been dragged through the hedges of disturbing/embarrassing events and actions from our characters. And if we’ve learned anything about any of these spoiled Gen-Y-ers, its that they will find ways to make their lives combust. Like, what happened to that book Hannah was supposed to finish? Maybe one of the main conflicts of the next season will involved the lawsuit between her and her editor, and will culminate in Hannah squatting out of an airstream trailer in Bushwick. Charlie and Marnie will be married, and already in the process of a divorce. Most likely embroiled in a custody battle over their tan babies. Shosh will have launched her own line of pastry-shaped clutch bags, and learn how to do her taxes. And obviously, we’ll find Jessa shacking up with some urban shamans living in Prospect Park. Lookin’ forward, Season 3!