Woah, guys! It’s March 14th, as in 3.14. As in
Pie Pi Day! And what better way to celebrate a number that you erased from your brain the moment you finished high school calculus than to EAT PIE! So naturally, I’m scouring Pinterest for the pie recipes I need to get cracking on after work today. Because my pie game will be OG and have the capacity to make someone violently ill. It takes a lot of research to sound this ignorant, guys.
But as we’re planning our sugary demises, we can’t help but wonder what our favorite celebs are doing to celebrate we’re this crusty, nutty, custardy holiday. Obviously by eating their favorite pies—with the exception of some celeb mathematicians who are probably sitting around a roaring fire place discussing the Pythagoras and his thoerem– We’re looking at you, Winnie Cooper! And because we know these people better than they know themselves, we think we can make some pretty good guesses as to what they’ll be shovin’ into their pie-holes.
Jennifer Lawrence- McDonald’s Apple Pie
J. Law is our girl crush to end all girl crushes cause she’s the kind of down chick who unabashedly goes straight for the grossly good, processed, fast foot shit. Like, the kind of girl who has no shame cruising through the Mickey D’s drive thru at 1 AM to satisfy her wee-hour drunchies. And we know that we’d be right there beside her, chasing the apple pie with an order of fries and a milkshake, driving around strip mall parking lots yelling obscenities at passerby. So Jen if you’re free later tonight, we don’t have any plans we couldn’t change… Please call us.
Gwyneth Paltrow- Natural Pumpkin Pie
Apple and Moses are totally having the most miserable Pi day in America. The sad thing is that they will never know it, because mom Gwyneth Paltrow keeps only fake desserts in the house and they will never taste the sweet nectar of refined sugar and corn syrup. No doubt though, she’s thrusting some bootleg, like natural version of pumpkin pie on them that tastes gelatinized vomit. But she’s super satisfied by the one bite she takes, then throws the rest of the slice away.
Jon Hamm- Banana cream pie
He and Jennifer Westfeldt totally got into a Mad Men era cooking phase. Icebox pies like Banana cream fit well into this variety. Plus, they’re delicious, and we’re sure he has impeccable taste in sweets. Also, we just kind of can’t help but think bananas when we think of Jon Hamm. We think it has something to do with his wang.
Taylor Swift- Apple pie
Because I mean, durrrhhh. She’s as American as apple pie, Wal-mart, and not knowing that the Fedora trend died 5 years ago. You can guess she’s probably a butter and noodles/apple pie/vanilla ice cream kind of girl, because her taste buds never really matured, and that’s why she’s such a picky eater. But what she does enjoy is going to an old-timey soda fountain and staring into the eyes of her twee music video boyfriend over a slice of apple pie a la mode.
Justin Bieber- Chocolate Chip Cookie/Chocolate Pudding Pie
He’s having a really rough month. So he really deserves like, the pie version of heroin. Break ups, melt downs, the worst birthday ever, deceased pets–the elements of the universe are kind of conspiring against you lately, Biebs. This pie will make you smile no matter what is torturing you inside, and hopefully keep you away from the really hard stuff.
James Franco- ANY PIE AT ALL
James Franco will eat anything. He’s too stoned to be picky.