• Thu, Mar 14 2013

In The Mystery Of ‘Who Leaked The Kris Jenner Sex Tape’, I Suspect Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner at Heather McDonald book release party February 2013Someone is shopping around a Kris Jenner sex tape, and if it’s anyone other than Kris Jenner herself, I will eat Kim Kardashian‘s weave. The supposed tape apparently depicts Kris and her first and late husband Robert Kardashian getting down in their kinky, 80s heyday and everyone is REALLY excited to see it, given how famous Kris is, and how successful and well-regarded. Oh wait, those facts aren’t super-duper true. In actuality, the incredibly self-infatuated Kris is kind of more known for clawing her way into the spotlight over the pregnant bodies of her own daughters, so I wonder who might be responsible for this sex-tape ‘leak’. Let me put on my Sherlock Holmes hat with the fuzzy ears and see if I can puzzle this out based on the National Enquirer article that announced it. Here’s a telling tidbit:

“Insiders believe the mas­termind of the Kardashian empire may have been caught on video during the 1980s, when she and her late husband Robert lived a wild lifestyle. And the incredible sex tape could now, after all these years, hit the market because of her huge success and threaten her estimated $75 million fortune.”

Interesting phrasings, no? We’ve got Kris being called a ‘mastermind’, her family being called an ‘empire’, the sex tape being referred to as ‘incredible’. Oh and a casual reference to the size of her $75 million fortune. Interesting clues, Watson, hand me my enormous magnifying glass.

“If a Kris Jenner sex tape is released, it could destroy the Kardashian brand and be the final straw for her mar­riage to Bruce, which is already hanging by a thread,” said [a] close source…Robert said Kris was talking about how liberating it was to be filmed having sex and how it was a turn-on to watch herself with her lover,” revealed a close source. “She said she felt like a porn star.”

Wait…this source says her marriage to Bruce Jenner is hanging by a thread? Oh my goodness! I had almost forgotten to be paying attention to Kris’ life, but now that I hear her marriage is in trouble, I better tune back in to Keeping Up With The Kardashians and see if I can intuit any telltale signs!

“And in her sizzling memoir Kris Jen­ner…and All Things Kardashian, the 57-year-old beauty admitted she carried on a torrid affair with a soccer player 10 years her junior…”

Okay, Watson, I’m ready to close this case. ‘The 57-year-old beauty’? ‘Her sizzling memoir’? With blatant self-promotional phrasing like that, even my faithful hound could put these pieces together. Kris Jenner, in the newsroom, with the sex tape.

Case closed.

(Image: FayesVision / WENN.com)

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