• Wed, Mar 13 2013

Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Broke Up Because Fairy Tales Aren’t Real

Miley Cyrus Liam Hemsworth Vanity Fair Oscars Party 2012

I think deep down we all knew that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth wouldn’t make it to the altar. Not in this lifetime anyway. Not in a world where people look down upon a girl for making a career out of drastic haircuts and emotional tweets. A world where people willingly mail their vaginas to men for being in the right movie and having the right accent. A world where we actually handed Billy Ray Cyrus a career and said, “sure, go make some mediocre music, man. Then when you’re done with that, make some kids. Then make them get on a TV show and sacrifice their childhood for your chance to be in the spotlight again.”

Now that I really think about it, it was always too good to be true. A  six-foot-three Australian man falling in love with a mere mortal. I’ve read enough on the relationship section of Yahoo Answers to know that it’s just not possible. Also I met a 20-year-old lady on my travels once. So I know a thing or two about how young minds work and how commitment might seem like a fun proposition until it’s revealed not to be a frat party theme, but a real live ongoing thing. Then it’s like ughhh, such a stupid, boring chore that reeks of desperation and nursing homes.

At least now that Page SIx confirmed the horrible break-up truth, we can finally start to get some closure on this whole sordid affair.

One source said, “Miley and Liam are done; it’s over. She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him.” Another source added, “They have broken up before, and are broken up again now. There was drama because she suspected he had a wandering eye. And she recently tweeted a denial that he cheated.

Yes this sounds about right. Miley does enjoy a good party. And Liam does always do this weird squinty thing in photos — which can now be explained by the fact that his eye apparently wanders off at its own leisure. Sidenote: can you imagine if your eye frequently up and left your socket to do what it wants. It sounds dreadful!

So yeah kids, I think the great romance of our time’s officially coming to an end. But at least we can rest easy knowing that Lifetime already signed Amanda Bynes to play both Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth in the upcoming TV movie based on their everlasting-ish love.

(Photo: Brian To / WENN.com)

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