So I’ve just heard that the white smoke came out of the baby’s mouth down old Vatican City way, so I’m assuming that we have a new pope. (I’m very knowledgeable about religious rituals, so you don’t need to look up or verify anything that I say on this topic; you can just trust me.) I don’t particularly feel like clicking around the internet on my own, mostly because I’m a god-fearing woman and I believe it’s blasphemous to learn anything from a source other than Jesus, so I still don’t know whose name came out of the Goblet of Fire. That said, I have a pretty good idea of whom the best candidate was, so I’m assuming he’s sitting in the big candy castle wearing the tall white hat with the ribbons right now, while all the children skip around it holding a string and wrap it all up in colors! The ritual of the maypope, they call it.
Enough suspense — let me tell you who I’m pretty sure the new pope is: Hugh Jackman. Most beloved man in Hollywood, which up until 1965 was called ‘Holywood’, for its proximity to the Vatican, and now home to some of the most pious people in just the whole darn world! You can’t come up with one person who has anything negative to say about him, which is the first and only quality that I personally require from a pope. Maybe also Catholicism if he has any extra time, but I’m not choosy. But I trust Hugh Jackman to lead us through the campfire songs and ghost stories that all leaders of the Christian world are required to learn as part of their training, so that’s all I need to know.
Oh man you guys! All my fingers just slipped at the same time and I accidentally found out that Hugh Jackman isn’t our new pope at all! It’s an Argentinian cardinal named Jorge Mario Bergoglio, and he’ll be going by Pope Francis. Sigh. I guess I can go along with that, god, but wouldn’t it have been more fun to have Pope Wolverine? Think on that the next time one of your fellas retires from Twitter. That’s all I’m saying.
(Image: Dan Jackman / WENN.com)