Taylor Swift released a new music video today for her song “22.” Taylor’s 23 now, but the song is a fond reflection on what it was like to be young and carefree before she got to that ripe old age where you starting damning people to hell. Because old people can get away with anything, amirite?
But alas, I still have my youth to cling to. I am still this fabled 22 of which Taylor sings. When I first started watching the video, I thought, “Ugh, finally something to watch that I can relate to as someone who’s old enough to drink but not old enough to rent a car. It’s the worst in-between stage there is.” But after witnessing Taylor’s visual interpretation of the age 22, I’m a little bit horrified. I think I’m doing it all wrong, and I don’t have much time to fix it.
In the video, Taylor hangs out with her friends. You know, like Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl and girl who looks eerily like Lauren Conrad/might be Lauren Conrad. I’m already losing points here. Not only do I not know Jessica Szohr beyond the bounds of my television, but I can’t even say I have a friend who might sorta look like Lauren Conrad. Why haven’t I thought to remedy this already? Do I need to put an ad on Craigslist?
But that’s probably the least disheartening aspect of this music video. Taylor opens the video wearing a T-shirt that reads, “NOT A LOT GOING ON AT THE MOMENT.” I have so much going on at the moment! In addition to working and eating and sleeping, do you have any idea many hours of television I have to watch each day? Or Facebook messages I have to reply to in a timely manner? And don’t even get me started on walking to the mailbox! Taylor might as well cover up “NOT” with a piece of duct tape and give the shirt to me as a pity gift.
Once I had paused the video for a moment to give me a chance to reevaluate my life choices, I continued watching and saw Taylor eating cake without a plate under it. Just last night I served myself a piece of cake and asked myself, do I need a plate for this? And I chose the plate! What free-spirited, fresh-faced magic am I missing out on? Does it count if some of it fell on my shirt and I picked it up with my fingers to carry to my mouth?
And to rub salt in the wounds, Taylor continuously puts two fingers up on each hand, taunting me, reminding me that I’m the same age she’s singing about. Have you no compassion, Taylor Swift?!
Ugh, now they’re jumping on a trampoline? I can’t. That’s it. I’m officially the worst 22-year-old that was ever 22. I have to go. I’m off to shop for a gold cat-ear headband while I struggle to hold back my sobs.
Watch the video below to witness everything I’m not.