Britney Spears: (n.) (pronounced BRIT-knee SPEERS). 1. Former pop icon. 2. Current former pop icon. 3. Future former pop icon.
Britney, see what I did there? I just defined you for the tweens that might have heard of you for the first time this week, thanks to a clip from the Spring Breakers press conference where Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine performed “Hit Me Baby One More Time” karaoke style.
I would have loved to define you as a current pop icon. Or even a future pop icon. But I just don’t think I can believe it anymore. Even if you do tweet things like this:
“Awww @selenagomez can duet with me anytime! PS – I heard @springbreakers is AAA-MAZING! Can’t wait to see it.”
Because my question is, will you, Britney? Will you do a duet with Selena? Will you do anything relevant ever again? Or is this just one of those brunch plans I make and never get down to actually eating?
You are moving very quickly into Karaoke-hit-ville and out of Relevant-today-burg. You followed many a washed-up artist’s footsteps by being a panelist on a reality show, then narrowly escaped having a show in Vegas for godsakes. What’s next, a line of linens at K-Mart?
As much as it breaks my heart that you’ve gone from toting a python on your shoulders to toting toddlers on your hips, I don’t feel sorry for you. Because I feel like you could be better than this if you tried.
Brit, you are and will always be one of my favorites. You’ve stood the test of time on my workout playlist despite new up-and-comers like One Direction and Nicki Minaj. I’m still running slowly to “Me Against the Music.”
But when you think about it, that title could be no more relevant than it is right now. Brit-Brit, it is you against the music. It’s you against all of the music that’s come out in the last decade. Where are you? Why haven’t you shown up to the fight?
I mean, fine. You’ve released some… stuff since 2003. But it’s not been good. It was forgettable and so auto-tuned that I expected a Ford 150 to show up on my driveway. (Get it? Autos? Okay.)
You aren’t about following the latest music trend. You ARE the latest music trend. You don’t have to do a duet with Kanye and write songs about breakups like Taylor Swift. You don’t have to join that tired “retro” phenomenon. Leave that to Justin Timberlake and Bruno Mars. You are your own force. Be it. We need you.
For those of you with Brit-stalgia like me, check out this video from a happier time gone by: