The Bachelor Finale Recap: Catherine Giudici Wins, Because Duh

Sean Lowe chosen Catherine Giudici on the The Bachelor last night, and you guys! This is such a shock! I certainly haven’t known this would happen since before the first episode aired, along with everyone else who reads Reality Steve’s spoilers. And maybe it’s just because I knew how the show ended, but I got very little enjoyment out of it this season. I tend to watch The Bachelor as a social experiment, and it’s been a number of weeks since he’s made ‘I have feelings for you’ eyes at anyone besides Catherine. But let’s go through the paces one last time, for old time’s sake, as Sean makes ‘the hardest decision of his life’. Because, you guys, he’s fallen in love with two women at the same time! I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE BUT IT IS. Said every Bachelor and Bachelorette in the history of ever.

Catherine gets to meet Sean’s family first, and have the standard full family dinner all on one side of the table so the camera crew can get good shots. Everyone has a little speech or toast prepared, just like it happens in real life, and Catherine has alone time with Seanmom and Seandad. They’re both actually very sweet to her, which is great, and Seandad should consider a career in the ‘making twenty-something girls cry’ business, because he was having a red letter day last night. He and Catherine had quite the connection…pretty sure they were gonna run away together if Sean didn’t pick her. No but seriously, he’s like obsessed with her. He wants her to stay and Sean to leave. With a little editing, this could be a very different show.

Then Lindsay ‘Sloppy Seconds’ Yenter gets to meet the family, replete with comments like, “I think it’s unlikely she’ll do something that will make my family not like her.” So romantic. She repeats her talking points about being in love with him and the two of them being best friends. “I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life,” says Lindsay in her baby voice. Yeah, you have a pretty solid understanding of what marriage is. Seandad makes her cry also, by talking about how they started praying for Sean’s wife the moment he was born. That’s…incredibly creepy and also no thank you, I’m not interested. Luckily Lindsay is. She keeps her big sugar glider eyes focused on at least one member of Sean’s family at all times, because they’re going to be HER family. That she’s SO ready for.

And now since we have two hours to fill and only two girls, we have to watch Seanmom get anxious about the magnitude of the decision that Sean has to make. She seems like she wishes it wasn’t happening on TV with a girl that he barely knows…typical mom overreaction, am I right? But Sean promises he won’t do anything unless he’s absolutely sure about it. What a relief.

Lindsay and Sean go on a date sans family now, and continue their infuriating pattern of talking only about things they’ve done together and how they feel about each other. When that conversation gives out, they make out for a while and then restart from the beginning. “Remember when we kissed at that one place? That was hot. You’re my best friend. What do you think we’re gonna look like when we’re old?” I’m in misery, but Lindsay feels fine because she thinks Sean is communicating his true feelings through kissing. You’re doing a great job, guys. Thank you also for the non-cliche activity of lighting Thai wish lanterns and sending them into the sky. Thank you for ruining that for me.

Now Catherine and Sean go on a date and immediately have obviously better chemistry. You know, with actual conversation and connections and stuff. It’s enjoyable to watch instead of grating. They ride an elephant together and Catherine stresses out about the fact that she hasn’t told Sean she loves him yet. Seems like she’s getting significant pressure from the producers to say that, but she holds out throughout the whole date until the very end, when she whispers it and gets nothing back. Because duh…the producers felt like it was getting too obvious who he was gonna pick, so I’m assuming they asked him to scale it back with the Catherine stuff. So she tells him she loves him and he says something like, “Thank you for today.” Immediate and understandable Catherine tailspin because, as she says, “I want him to reciprocate these feelings for me, so I know why I have given this much.” She can’t predict it, and it’s scary.

So basically we’re going into the final moments with Lindsay positive that it’s gonna be her, and Catherine pretty sure it won’t be her. OH THE IRONY! Congratulations on the dramatic twist, producers. We get to watch Sean cry real tears for a while, and then Lindsay cries fake ones and ratchets her baby voice up to a level where only bats and sad dogs can hear it. He actually does the speech in a really dickish way, because he says ‘I love you’ in it, and then it takes an immediate turn into ‘but you’re not the one’. Once she figures it out she pretty much just wants to walk away, but Sean wants her to make him feel better for breaking her heart, so he’d prefer if she sticks around for a while and talks him down before he proposes to that other girl. But after a suitable series of squawks and the actual sentence, “This is, like, really sad,” she’s bundled away into her car and rustles up some real tears while Sean proposes to a very excited and seemingly surprised Catherine, who I actually do think is great. If only she wasn’t interested in Sean, there’d be almost nothing wrong with her.

And that’s it. Another successful season of odd human behavior, brought to you by ABC. Tune in next season to see if Desiree Hartsock is a better actress on her own season of The Bachelorette than she was on The Bachelor.

(Image: UPI.com)